How to be a Bad Guy

If you're gonna be a bad guy in a video game, a movie or in a TV show, You're expected to be defeated eventually by the protagonist. While that is expected, I question how terrible some bad guys are so bad at being antagonists.

Bowser is a clear example of a terrible antagonist. I don't mean that he doesn't make a good rival. I mean he has these ridiculous plans to capture Princess Peach so that she can make him some 'cake' (which I swear is a euphemism for something dirty...). The guy is like 20 times bigger than Mario and yet Mario can still swing his tail around and throw him into a bunch of bombs in the field. Also, if Goombas and Koopas die by someone jumping on their heads, get them all to wear helmets!

And while on that, if you're going to take on someone where you have a massive advantage, don't give him an opportunity to let him beat you! In other words, if you have a specific weak point, cover it up! What clearly springs to mind is Star Wars: A New Hope where the death star blows up after a single plane flies in and shoots a missile into a hole and the whole thing blows up.... if that was a building in real life, the architect would've been hung, drawn and quartered for such a stupid error. (or in this case, Darth Vader would've probably been sacked.... but that just wouldn't make sense and would make the other 2 films obsolete...)

There are so many problems with bad guys. Including why bad guys always hire so many terrible minions. If they all keep getting beaten up by 1 person... You know something is amiss there. In fact, I reckon you've been hiring them from the wrong jobcentre and would probably consider looking for a new recruitment agency!

Also, when you have a list of demands, please make some sense, I'm pretty sure I've seen this in a lot of action films where 'If you don't give me £100 Million within the next 2 hours, I will blow up the earth!'. Because I'm sure blowing the earth will make them change their minds...

Another example is Dr. Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't know where he got his doctorate from but if you can't build a machine that can catch 1 hedgehog, then I begin to question where he got his Doctorate from... (most likely from University of Teesside. OH SNAP!)

*only jk to any person studying a Teesside uni, I'm only teasing :P

Voldemort's plan was to kill Harry Potter. You have a massive army of death eaters, you can control almost any wizard in the world and you are the most deadly wizard known to man...yet you couldn't kill Harry Potter with any of your spells... below is a list of possible items and solution that could kill him if you can't kill him with a spell:

* A Gun
* A Knife
* A frozen ice pick
* Poison
* An inch of water
* A machine gun
* A sharp object that could pierce human skin
* A rottweiler
* A knife disguised as a dildo
* A gun shaped like a banana
* Acid
* Throwing him into a pool of piranhas
* Throwing him into a pit of lava
* Disguising yourself as Dumbledore and killing him in his sleep
* Disguising yourself as anyone but yourself and killing him in his sleep
* Have I mentioned guns and knives yet?

etc. etc. etc.

To conclude, bad guys really need to shape up if they actually want to succeed in taking over the world/becoming rich/killing his or her arch rival/become a megalomaniac. By all means become evil and all but seriously have some common sense and you may actually get somewhere one day....

Would you really wish for Xmas to be every day?

Wizzard once sang the song 'Oh I wish it could be Xmas Every Day'. It was released back in 1973. Clearly at the time, Wizzard did not consider the massive drawbacks. Much as everyone loves Christmas, the point of it is that it comes once a year. Here is the list of the flaws in the song.

Constant Snowing! - This week's weather has been 'chaotic, and a catastrophic nightmare' as the news have been claiming it as. I enjoy making snow angels, throwing snowballs at annoying kids and building snowmen and then holding a funeral for it once it has melted. I don't think I'd enjoy doing that 365 days a year... Plus snow begins to piss everyone off once you realise you can't get the car out a week after the snow's started.

Santa would be working his fat arse off! - By that I mean Santa would actually have to work everyday! And in fairness, the lazy bugger only works one day a year so making him work over 300 times wouldn't work for him. This would also mean he would use more elves, slave labour, outsourcing to India, basically making a business.

The whole world will be constantly drunk and fat! - Lots of food + Lots of wine = Lots of food and wine.

The X Factor would go out of business! by the 10th series, you know they'll just pick any randomer off the street and make them release a single :P... (Oh hang on, they've been doing that since the 1st series! OH SNAP!)

And finally, Brussel Sprouts will be the world's most popular vegetable! although I still don't get why everyone hates sprouts so much. They're like mini cabbages! Maybe people just don't know how to cook them right...


On this note, I was doing a little research on Christmas everyday. And I came across this man:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Park_(Mr._Christmas)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088872/Man-celebrates-Christmas-day-scaling-celebrations-credit-crunch.html

This man has celebrated Christmas everyday since 1994. Everyday he has eaten turkey dinners and watched the Queen's speech over and over again.

"People do think I'm crackers [well you got that bit right!], but I enjoy treating myself and I'm the only one in the world who does it [And there's a reason for that!]."

Just one question popped up when I read this. "When did she leave you?!"

This is (Probably) the best blog about slogans in the world!

This is (Probably) the best blog about slogans. In the world!

It's surprising how advertising affects the world and many of us don't realise. It's one of the fundamentals of marketing and advertising, get a slogan stuck in their heads so that you get their money (err... I'm not a marketing expert so don't question me on that)

But some slogans are too ridiculous when they are taken literally or from a different perspective. Here are a few of them and my thoughts on them.

Good things comes to those who wait - from the Guinness Adverts. Now I can be a patient man and as an example, if I am waiting for England to win the World Cup (and I'm probably going to be waiting a while), It won't be a good thing when they win the world cup. It'll be me shouting to them 'IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!'. Now that surely isn't a good thing.

Also, waiting for food at a restaurant that are running late is not a good thing. If I am waiting for a pizza at Pizza Hut and finding out that it took me an hour to get the food out, it's not necessarily a good thing and I can assume that it would've been better if it came early. Simple logic.

Fills you with Volcanicity - Volvic. Considering volcanos can be filled with lava that's over 1000 degrees, I don't think I want something that's gonna burn my insides :S

Have it Your Way . Burger King. I once asked a Burger King if I could have a Big Mac because I wanted it that way. Needless to say, I got kicked out.

Flash Kills 99.9% of Bacteria Surely they could've just rounded it up to 100 for advertising purposes.

'He who thinks Australian, Drinks Australian'. Fosters. The big irony here is that Fosters is brewed in the UK! Plus it's awful to drink.

'The longer you wait, the harder it gets' Tagline from the 40-Year Old Virgin. Sounds like a side effect of viagra. But apparantly, getting harder must be a 'good thing' since we've waited for so long. Although it is partially true for hardening cement, making ice, trying to down a irish car bomb (consisting of Guinness, whisky and Baileys) but that's another story)


Any other slogans that need to be criticised? Post them here :)

Plinky Plonky Plastic! Rock Band 3 is out!

I used to love games like Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Dance Dance Revolution (I've even played competitively at DDR for a short period of my life!...okay, well long period!) and I still do enjoy them in some aspects. But the fact that I am an expert at guitar hero and can complete a DDR song that goes 300BPM doesn't mean that I am a break-dancing, van halen imitating guitar genius no matter how long I try attempting to complete 'Jordan' (look it up on youtube).

Having said that, I am learning guitar and whilst I can't say I'm a secret Tom Morello in disguise (again, look it up on youtube if you haven't heard of him). I can play basic stuff on guitar and still learning. However on guitar hero, I am the equivalent of Tom Morello in Lego form with the ability to only move my arms up and down and only able to play guitar it can fit into my U-shaped hands!

I am well aware that being good at Guitar Hero doesn't make me a good guitarist. If video games do improve your life skills, then I'd have an amazing ability to pick up coins, eat mushrooms to grow and jump on turtle shells so I can ride on top of them!

When I first played Guitar Hero well over 5 years ago, I found it so easy since I played DDR nearly 10 years ago and the logic of hitting buttons with your feet as they approach a line is applied in exactly the same way except your feet are replaced with your hands instead. It was so easy that I jumped straight into Hard mode. no shit. I completed Hard and Expert all within a week. I don't think I've really played a Guitar Hero game for any longer than a week without completing everything.

Guitar Hero 2? Completed Expert in 10 days (but 3 days consisted of completing Freebird).

Guitar Hero 3? 5 Days (although it took a further 2 weeks and a few days recovery from RSI attempting to complete Through the Fires and Flames)

World Tour? A weekend! Guitar Hero 5? Rock Band? well you get my point. By the time I played Guitar Hero 5, I was so bored that I began learning to play with my left hand (This logic does apply to masturbation in some sort of disgusting way. Get bored of your right hand? Try your Left one instead!)

However, this all changes now that Rock Band 3 has come out. No more can people mock you by shouting 'Learn a Real Instrument!' while you get 5* on freebird. No more will I ever complain that these games are too easy. This is cos Rock Band 3 has just come out and it's now got Pro Mode!

Those of you who aren't aware, Pro mode is a 102 button guitar mode that actually teaches you how to play the real song in the game! I can imagine this is Harmonix's way of saying 'Fuck You!' to Chad Kroeger and Axl Rose who said kids should be learning real instruments. This mode is one step closer.

Also new is the new keyboard mode. You get 2 octaves and you apparantly play the [almost] exact notes that the real instrument plays. Although I do enjoy games that are benficial to life, keyboard mode isn't. Considering that songs such as Bohemian Rhapsody require a whole length of a keyboard and hand switching, I'm wondering how well they've translated it into 2 octaves. A game called KeyboardMania tried making a keyboard rhythm game before and that was ridiculously hard! (And I'm a grade 8 pianist!) Simply for the fact that sight reading on the fly by rolling 30 odd notes down is incredibly difficult to play out. I'm up for trying this keyboard mode out but I ain't hoping for much.

Much to my enjoyment of finding a new challenge to a stale genre, I'm questioning how long is it gonna take for me to complete 'Free Bird' with the real instrument. I'm gonna challenge myself to learn and complete FreeBird within 4 months of getting the game. As soon as I get the game, I'm gonna start (Free)Bird Watch with Will Ho!

First blog of November done. It's nice to get typing again :)

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Apparantly, I am never happy, and just to prove I'm not always depressed about everything. Everything in this blog will all be about happy stuff.

...

Chelsea lost yesterday. :)

I paid ten quid to stare at hot women in the gym... is that wrong?

I've been going to the gym regularly since I graduated from uni since I have nothing better to do.

Ah Gyms, the greatest money making scheme since someone figured out you can make a fat person run if you hang a piece of cake in front of them! Unfortunately, this plan fails when the fat person manages to eat the cake, stops running, dies or has developed a skill to not run for the cake. This is where this concept evolved into the gym!

I've probably been going on and off the gym for nearly 7 years and the only thing getting lighter is my wallet! But not everyone is going to the gym to lose weight, perhaps not even to keep fit... perhaps it's so you can stay at the back and slowly stare at erm.... TVs.... and the other surroundings...

The weight equipment gym is the one lick of black paint. chains and straps away from becoming bondage equipment from the looks of things. putting hands and feet in wierd positions and everyone making grunting noises looking like they're about to drop a bombshell!

The big problem with going to gyms is the irony (and im not one to talk either) about going to gyms is getting there. if you drive there, you're classed as a lazy guy. Yet if you walk,nay, run to the gym, then youve defeated all the hard work you were going to use in the gym and you'd may as well go back!

And it's not like you're gonna cancel your membership or anything. for three reasons: 1) the hot men and women who work at the gym have a special sexy ability to stop you from quitting. and 2) there's that little niggling inside your head that says 'but what if you gain 2 stone and need to use it again?!' and finally 3) you have no excuse any more that claims you are not fat :P

plus the amount you work off cancels off what ur about to eat. a chicken mayo sandwich is about 300-400 calories, which is about an hour on the gym bike. a curry is about 800 to 1000 calories so burning that off requires nearly 45 minutes nonstop sprinting on the treadmill! it almost makes you wanna go 'fuck it! bring out the lyposuction machine and send me to the moon!'

right, that just said a lot of words...wow so...many...words....need to recover energy!

thats all for today. and dont forget, once you been to the gym, order your burger, fries, pizza and DIET COKE to wash it all down :D

The S Factor! (S stands for stale....) Part 1!

(And yes, the S stands for something else but I'll leave that to your imagination :) )

My most favourite show is back on(!)(sarcasm). More people who think they can sing try and prove that they can't sing and successfully doing so. I have probably hated this show since it started back in 2003, no wait, I did buy the G4 album... and Diana Vickers ain't too bad to look at.... but still hate it overall!

(I have now burnt that G4 album in a fire so no one ever realises that I have ever bought it...)

I hate this program so much that I decided to separate this blog into two parts! One for now and the other for when I decide that it's gone far enough!

There's a lot to say on why I don't watch it at all. I think every year I go on about how much I hate the show and everyone in them (okay, Cheryl Cole may be spared). If you're that good, do you really have to appear on it to prove that you are good? I mean yes some people are just shy at singing but appearing on TV in front of millions of people singing live isn't really going to cure it. Another thing I wonder is that are people actually serious in entering this or do they just want their 15 minutes of fame?

Since I don't want to sound like an absolute hypocrite/ranter/fool, I will force myself to watch some of the clips on Youtube and give a Simon Cowell-esque opinion on their talent. Time to put my trousers up, my hair slicked and my face all moodied up.

First up: Katie Waisal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H48OwnS_NHw&feature=channel

Quote that stands out: "I wanna be huge! Not small. Freddie Mercury wasn't small. He was an idol!". Queen took about 3 years to actually hit the big time and it was only till the 3rd album that they hit the mainstream. No one becomes an idol overnight.

Anyway, on to the music, you get a pie on your face for forgetting the lyrics of 'We are the champions'. Especially if Mercury is actually your idol!. It's sort of like saying you love steak despite the fact that you are a vegetarian! It sounded pretty bland and dull...

And then you move on to the song she was meant to sing in the first place. One word: Meh. She sounds alright but the fact that you screw up Queen and then do well on her other song may mean that she is probably a one triok pony? Had I had the care to watch the next episode, then I might be proven wrong here. NEXT!

Next on the list: G&S (which i'm assuming means Goofy and Stupid) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvSEpZEAqfY

Wth is with everyone murdering Don't Stop Believing lately?! Yes it's a classic and unless you're drunk, Steve Perry (or have at least the vocal talent of him) or asking for me to slap you silly, you do NOT sing this song!

I don't find these bad singers funny, I find them cringeworthy and embarrassing to watch. We have one guy who looks like he's intentionally trying to make himself like a fool by dancing like a fool, singing out of tune like a fool and singing out of timing like a fool! As well as that, we have one other lady standing still letting the auto tuner to all the work. I feel that this auto tuning business manipulates the actual talent of a singer. Auto tuning typically works when it's either subtle or if it's intentional. Unfortunately this was designed to be subtle but sounds clearly fake.

And they only auto-tune one side?! what? they thought the other guy had singing talent but the girl didn't? the guy was so far off key and timing that it was useless? or perhaps they wanted to enhance the fact that the guy sucked by putting a robotic clear voice behind him? Wrong, Wrong and wrong! This duo would even fail this song on 'Rock Band' on easy mode! Someone build me a trap door so they can both fall through it!

Next up: Gamu Nhengu http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRG7N_koxF0

Wow that is heavily auto tuned! I'm not sure how to give an opinion on that one. Shoot the singer for not singing well enough to be auto tuned or shoot the sound guy for such poor auto-tuning? Sounds okay I guess but that's only because auto-tuned made it in tune. I'm not sure what to judge here. Maybe this girl actually can sing but behind the auto-tuner makes it hard for me to pass judgement.

This is probably why the X factor changed the format so that they can incorporate this AT thing. It's a bummer really and hard to tell what I'm listening to. They would be better off putting the mics on mute and let them mime it (ala TOTP) and they might be deemed passable.

And Finally: Shirlena Johnson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ff7SkPF8IuQ&feature=channel

Comment says she was trained in opera singing. Then quote: "I've never done live, only karaoke singing". One of these facts seems VERY wrong and it's not the latter.

Again with the auto tuner! Can they use auto tuner to actually make someone sound crap for once?!

I get quite anal about people not singing the correct lyrics but this was closer to a remix than a rendition. Florence Welch singing 'You got the love' was a cover, Eminem rapping to 'Sing for the moment' was a rendition, Kurt Cobain's 'Man who sold the world' was a rendition, Muse's 'House of the rising sun' was a rendition...at a push. You get my point. This however was just a woman saying 'Thank You' in french over and over again. I hated the original and this version makes me want to hate it even more!

What is this? Improv? Lord have 'Mercy' on me and never let me hear this again!

Alright, I was a lil mean about this especially since she has a mental condition (so I've been told) but let her off easily! Don't encourage her by putting her through!


Right, I better take a breather and stop my endless ranting for the day. If you want me to criticise anyone else's singing, post a link and I will destroy it!


Ho is gonna go!

Monsters in the Movies!

So many movies out and so many to watch lately. The A-Team seems good, Toy Story 3 seems worth watching (even if I am 21 years old and the cinema would be full of kids), Karate Kid seems like it's pretty good as well. Even Knight and Day doesn't look so bad with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Of course all of these except the last one are sequels and remakes which does make me question about originality in films these days (and my unoriginal choices in films). So I'm off to see a film that's not based of anything written before.

A few weeks ago I went to see Inception and I could go on about how complicated it was at first and how some parts of it didn't make much sense, but I'm not. First because that was the least of my concerns and secondly because I'm still yet to break down the whole plot! Instead my anger goes towards the things I love and hate in the cinema. So here's a list of Dos and Don'ts when watching a film.

DON'T sit at the front row of a cinema. I don't even know why cinemas even allow seats to be that close. Necks start hurting and I don't like it when I realise when I'm this close to the screen that Tom Cruise is actually taller than me!

DO bring your own drinks in to the cinema. Either sneak in a bag, hide it in your pockets/pants/bras or even distract the ticket guy from seeing them. Not like you're gonna pay 3 quid for a bottle of water and bag of sweets when they sell it for a quid next door. This mainly applies for drinks. Food varies and depends what you get. And on that note...

DON'T bring garlic or smelly foods into the cinema. I remember sitting behind someone who sneaked in a kebab into the cinema with a strong smell of garlic sauce. It was probably bad enough to drive Edward Cullen out and move back to hogwarts! Anyone with a massich stink should be sprayed with the nearest fire extinguisher until they've been moved out 5 miles away from the cinema screen...

(on a side note, DON'T ever reference Twilight, ever. I don't feel I should be encouraging such a film that has as many lovers/haters as Justin Beiber. and on that note, DON'T ever mention Justin Beiber to me. Ever.)

DO give tissues to anyone who cries in the cinema. If someone dies in the film or if there is reason to cry. Unless they're crying inappropriately such as crying when the Terminator dies in Terminator 1 or if someone dies in a horror flick, in which case DO slap some sense into them.

DON'T talk about what's going to happen next in the film to the person next to you. Inception was ruined for me when someone told me the ending (I'm not gonna mention who... *ahem* you know who you are!). Especially those people that talk out loud. I mean seriously, of all the places you decide to talk is in a cinema...These people should be punished by gagging them with a sock (preferably their own smelly ones).

DO attempt to sneak sleeping pills into the cinema. Not for yourself but for anyone around that does not follow these rules and them slip it in their drinks. Oh wait... that might be illegal...

DON'T take a girl to the cinema on a first date. It seems like a rubbish kind of night to get to know someone by going into a cinema where no one is (meant to be) talking. Unless you somehow achieved some sort of telepathic communication with your first date, I wouldn't recommend it.

DO actually understand what the film is about before the film. If you weren't expecting the toys to move in Toy Story, you are in for a big suprise!

DON'T make noises with your food. Slurping, loud crunching, inapproprate burps/farts. I think these speak for themselves.

and finally...DON'T ever watch 'The Knowing' featuring Nicholas Cage. I am still currently looking for the director of that film so I can kick them in the nuts.

anyway theres a list of dos and donts in the cinema. please respect the person next to you
and please...dont be a twat :)
and finally DO actually enjoy the movie.

Look at me! I'm on TV!

I could probably make TV blogs a weekly segment on its own given how much I watch, complain about and how bad they are (or occasionally good) so I'm gonna go over the past week or so's events.

I came across a new quiz show on the BBC. 101 ways to leave a gameshow. Quite simply, you get a question with 9 answers, 9 people choose one of them and one of them is wrong. The loser leaves the gameshow in a stupidly outrageous fashion including falling off a trolley, getting taped onto a board and slowly tipping down and being hit my a gigantic hammer (none of them were made up!). The is a measly 10 grand which in fairness wouldn't be enough for me given the disappointment you get in the end for not leaving the gameshow. Personally, I'd enjoy some of the ways to exit that I'd probably purposely choose the wrong answer so I'd bungee off down into a massive swimming pool.

Next up is Come Dine With Me, a cooking show I would probably never watch if the voice over guy wasn't there. The normal shows have some interesting people as well as annoying people for that matter. The celebrity version however annoyed me so much since it was full of absolute nobodys that had nowt better to do than to get on TV. Pretty much everyone is hatable in the show including Janice Dickinson (no idea who she was, had to wiki and apparently she's now a reality tv whore, which would explain why she's on here) that had no reason to be there except to make [bad] tv by annoying everyone in there as well as me. Turned straight off.

Other things to hate is Channel 4 and E4 because it's full of big brother, They had to replace decent TV such as Scrubs for 'live' coverage?! Yuck.

More TV Music Talent contest were out in the form of 'Don't Stop Believing'. A 'Glee' Show finding the best show choir. I've watched 2 episodes of Glee. It was approachable at best but nothing to actually keep me fully interested. Sort of like High School Musical without the Disney. But this show however, is a competition between real show choirs and making covers of a song. Actually, it's not a cover, some of them are 'Mash Ups', a portmenteau of Mash Potato and Fucked Up!.

Occasionally I can be a massive critic on music and this is no exception. Would people PLEASE stop mashing two songs together please?! The only advantage you get from this is that you murder two songs at once instead of one! Mash ups (like mash potato) need to be mixed with something good such as bangers and gravy but mixing mash with mash is rubbish. Essentially, it's adding extra lyrics into the original song and the lyrics aren't original and stolen from another song.

All the songs the choirs did sound like they came from bad musicals. A particular one I remembered watching was a male choir of about 30 people singing 'Sex on Fire' by the Kings of Leon to this 1 girl on stage. Before I mention how awful the music was, the dancing bit was just awkward and seemed like some massive gang bang is about to happen. But anyway, the music was the equivalent of a crowd singing Sex on Fire on stage, which is not always a good thing. No harmonies, and some very annoying choir versions of the guitar bit. Almost made me want to throw up because of how bad it was.

But as well as bad shows, I still have to mention there's been some decent TV on lately such as Mongrels, a late night puppet show which was actually not too bad, Top Gear which is always enjoyable to watch. And Celebrity Masterchef, another show I enjoy watching :)

TV's done for the week and I need to get out of the house so toodles!

...

(wtf is toodles and who the hell says it to say goodbye anymore?)

When I'm Sixty Four (and when I pick up my OAP Bus Pass)

Old people have begun to annoy me. This may also be directly linked to that my gran has come to visit me for 3 months (3 months?! staying for 3 months is not 'visiting' it's more closer to 'free loading!' :P) and my gran can be a handful.

I'll avoid aiming this blog directly at my grandma cos it seems unfair that I criticise her when she can't understand english and is as quick to understand things as the police are trying to capture a fujitive. (yes people, I have just made a Raoul Moat reference. It feels wrong...) so let's talk about old people.

At the moment, I am currently suffering from a sore throat. It may be because I have a cold coming along but I've been trying to have conversations with my gran lately and she's deaf and the only way to speak to her is with a megaphone, (which I don't carry along with me all the time because it's impractical and bit heavy to carry all the time) so I simply have to speak louder. So this makes me lose my voice...

Being deaf means you should be wearing hearing aids to help hear stuff. But instead, you have people who are stubborn to use them and thinks that their hearing can be healed if they do nothing and everyone else shouts a little louder. I think talking to a brick wall gives a better response at times.

Almost every old person I've met have a lot to say about me. And not in a good way. There's always something wrong and something to complain and rant about. (Oh hey! maybe that's where I got my ranting from!). Yes no one's perfect but there's no need to ruin everyone's self confidence (or what's left of it) by reiterating what you've already said. It's like beating a dead horse after complaining about it a few minutes ago that it doesn't move and began starting to stink of rotten flesh...

You gotta wonder what it feels like to be old though. Retired, money coming into your account and nothing better to do than to lounge about the house and complain about stuff you don't like. (Actually, typing this now makes me think that doesn't sound like too bad of an idea :P, My OAP pass can't come any sooner! :D)

Right that's enough of my blog for today. I had a longer one planned on old people but it turns out my internet thought I was being offensive to old people and didn't publish the whole thing and forgot to save what I wrote. FML

So I'm off to pick my supplies of OAPs (that stands for OAP Assistance Precautions) that includes my ear plugs, Noise cancelling headphones, blindfold and sleeping pills... Ta Ta!

Get Rich Quick Money Making Schemes

I think the ideal goal to make money is to make a lot of it in as little as possible. Being an overnight millionaire would be the ideal money making scheme. Of course no one makes that kind of money in a day unless you're Steve Jobs, winning the lottery or if you're a robber and managed to mug Steve Jobs in the streets (in which case, well done).

Although they won't make you a millionaire overnight, he's some quick ways to make some money. I cannot say that I have done all of these but I can imagine some are entirely possible to make a living out of.

Sperm Donors - Does what it says on the tin. Spunk your way to make some cash. I believe you get about 30 quid per cup. Doesn't sound bad for 10 minute's work. Although making a living out of this means that you will have one arm abnormally more muscly than the other for a long while. The other downside is that the kid that comes out of your tadpoles can eventually find you and I think you'll have a pretty hard time trying to explain that you gave someone your sperm so that you can afford that new PS3 daddy wanted back in the day.

Professional Gambler/Poker Player - It's simple. Bet half a million on red and you'll double it do a million just less than half the time :). Time taken: about 30 seconds, time to recieve: about 10 seconds. Time to realise you spewed off half a million quid in 30 seconds: half a second. Or start with a $100 and work your way up and see how far you can run like God and then trip up like a dog.

Becoming a professional poker is another risky one. Simply play for half a million against Tom Dwan (those of you who don't know, Tom Dwan is one of the biggest cash game players in the world) and then just go all in every hand and hope the cards go your way :P

Get Spam for Free iPods! - Would you like a free iPod? Alright, you can get one by giving me your house address, your privacy and personal details along with 20 other people's personal details so we can spam you with junk mail for the next 2-200 years and you can (possibly) get it for free! These pyramid schemes are massive and the effort you need to get these things aren't worth the effort. To make it, you first of all sacrifice your email details, personal details, house calls as well as 5 other friends (or any other people) to do the same thing (meaning you need about 25 people altogether) and then they'll send you your iPod. This process will probably take a good few months not only to find the people but also for the company to cough it up. I wouldn't be suprised if it never comes out. You can probably get your iPod for free in less time by working for a few weeks in a shop of somesort (also known as A JOB!).

Here's an obvious one that many people won't always realise...

Hobo/Bum/Beggars - With enough work (or begging), you can dress up as a bum and beg for cash. Work well enough and I'm pretty sure you can make minimum wage in a day. Dress is pretty cheap. No need to pay for showers, uniforms or legs. It's always worth a punt. Of course you're always against competition with the real hobos so you're gonna have to get an edge somehow. Steal their bag of 'Big Issues' and start selling them and keeping all the sales perhaps.

Patent the Wheel - You'd make zillions off of that. But I think that's taken so....

Selling a kidney - Since people can actually survive with 1 kidney, you could sell your other one for a decent price. Just make sure that you have 1 spare and that you're happy to go under the knife. I'm not sure about the price but I've heard there's a wide range of prices but I can imagine you can buy a small boat with it (or maybe a raft perhaps)

I also have one more get rich quick money making scheme to give out but if you really wanna know, please pay £100 into my account and I will tell you :P

(Let's see how much I can make off that last idea :P)

Welcome to the Real World Graduates!

I came across a BBC article regarding graduate jobs and applicants.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/10521559.stm

It mentions how this year's graduates are up against last year's graduates for jobs as the recession hit the unemployed last year (and this year for that matter). With so many people coming out with all sorts of degrees this year, it almost makes the credibility of a degree almost negligable. Whether you get a first or a fail, your experiences and knowledge you learnt at uni rarely apply to the real world.

I was very critical about my degree throughout the past few years after noticing the amount of actual practical work in my course was minimal. Even my final year project was only research based and I was automatically given this. In the past 3 years for an 'Engineering' Degree. I made a model car, a brake system and a puzzle that eventually didn't get made. I've felt that I spent more time learning about the facts and information but not applying the work to anything, not seeing anything in action and not getting a visual view of the facts. I found this hard to understand without seeing it in the flesh.

You can claim that funding becomes a problem, or claim that so much focus has gone into meeting curriculum or accredited standards that the practical element seems to have disappeared but I've felt short changed from the 10k I've spent for my degree. I don't feel like I've learned anything practical from reading lecture slides and copying notes. I feel short changed. I won't say that I learnt nothing but what difference in information is there from learning through the books and getting work experience/jobs/apprenticeships and gaining first hand knowledge?

I'm not saying that my degree is worthless because there are things I've learnt from going through uni that I probably could not ever learn such as meeting new people, understanding different views and learning new ideas. All of which apply both degree and non-degree related. But I still feel I haven't learnt enough about working in an engineering industry without trying it first hand. And the practical experiments and mini-projects just aren't enough.

It's like learning to swim. Yes you can read a book telling you how to swim fast, how to move and how not to drown (in which case, I'd be fucking Michael Phelps by that logic) but throw yourself into the swimming pool and you'll probably end up sinking faster than a dead elephant! My point is that I've always followed my view of 'Experience beats knowledge'. There does not seem to be many situations where learning from your mistakes, picking it up as you go along and doing things yourself is the minor part of life. You can't spend your life reading and absorbing information without putting that information into good use. There are obvious exceptions to this point such as learning/researching brand new stuff, learning about unknown stuff, skydiving, poison testing, experimenting how high does it take to jump off a cliff without killing yourself, you get my point.

If I owned a business (and god help us all if I do), I wouldn't care if you got a first in Cambridge, lost your whole social life through studying and knew the periodic table backwards while managing to solve a rubiks cube and keeping a ball in the air with your feet (although I would recommend you to the circus if you actually manage to do that). I would base a person on trust, determination, ambition and focus on what they have to do. Forget your firsts and fails, if you can't actually do a job, you're going to end up running to shit.

So good luck to everyone looking for a job this year (and myself). Hopefully we'll all eventually be millionaires and someday laugh about how we all once had a degree and turns out we only needed them to get the first foot in the door and we did everything through jobs.

Another World Cup Year, Another Disappointment

Sometimes I can have a limited knowledge in some sports but I do have a decently vague knowledge of the football.

Yes England played badly and yes there was THAT lampard goal that didn't get in. And yes, we had our arses handed to the germans for them to make bratwurst out of and sell back to us at an inflated price!

I do feel that testing a team's ability within 3-7 games is not a true reflection of how a team will play. Luck plays a pretty big part in tournaments like this and it's all about who's got the biggest hunger for the win, who has the bigger lion chasing right behind them and who has the bigger weapon to take down their foe. In other words, it's all about the balls!

Having said this, I cannot use this as an excuse for how England played, they played awful through all of that game (and against USA and Algeria) and the German's made frankfurters out of England's pigsty of their defence. Saying that, there was about 20-30 minutes of very good play during the end of the first half and about the start of the 2nd and it's a shame that only 2 actually went in and only 1 was counted.

Yes, the debate kicks off again with referee's and their mistakes. If there wasn't a big enough reason already as to why football is flawed, this is one of them. Lampard's goal was clearly in by a clear few yards and the whole world saw it except for 1 person. One person on that pitch who's only job is to check if that ball was in or not in that situation. (How hard can that be huh?)

I've compared the referee's on football to the referee's in WWE wrestling. Both have the final say in the final outcome and both are constantly argued about and can be at times more blind than Stevie Wonder. Of course WWE is acted whereas this World Cup is real.

The shot is almost a direct homage to the legendary 1966 match where Geoff Hurst has a similar position and the goal was (eventually) given. At the time, there were no goal technologies or camera angles to show that it was in. That was 44 years ago! Why are we still using 44 year old methods to detect a goal where in that time we have cameras, crowds and video technology to prove that it was in?! TV has shown when players are offside, when players are commiting fouls, every little bit of detail on the game. If this is the case, then why is football still living in the past and using age-old rules in a modern technological age of sports? We have all the technology in the world from robots, to cameras to visual aids and yet FIFA still insist on using the one pair of human eyes to determine a goal!

Mistakes are part of life and that has to be accepted through this. What infuriates me more is not reacting to the mistake. It's bad enough making the wrong decision but it's even worse not to do anything about it! Argentina and Mexico is another clear example. Tevez clearly offside for everyone to see, and even the Argentinians themselves said they were offside and the big screen showed it as well. The referee was aware of it and yet STILL no action was taken to change this! The refs require split second decisions and they are always decisions that don't have to be taken so quickly! Tennis and cricket has hawk eye, Rugby and American Football has video replays (even the bloody americans have a better way of determining calls and their footballs aren't even round!) to determine decisions, seriously FIFA, why not you? Your methods and traditions are more outdated than a petrified lump of cheese!

So there's my 2 cents. Football has too many flaws and stubborn policies. When the USA got knocked out, the New York Post wrote as their headline: "This Sport is Stupid Anyway". And I can't rephrase it any better myself...

Few things have happened since my last post.

First, big match tomorrow with England v Slovenia. GL to Fabio's Fab 23 and hopefully prove people wrong.

I was planning to make a blog about coming back home to hartlepool but the house now has a downgraded internet connection from 4MB to 0.5mb. My mum got convinced to have a smaller connection instead of actually cutting it off. Nice idea but 0.5MB connection is UNUSABLE! It's actually worse than 56k connections back in the 90s! I can't access anything so I've resorted to using my phone to check my emails and websites as well as my mum's 3G connection back home. You know your broadband is fucked if you can access your emails on a 3G connection and on my phone about 2 minutes before my broadband begins to even load the first image! I think it's just donating 5 quid to Virgin so we can waste electricity attempting to make a vague internet connection. argh!

Other thing I've glimpsed pass this week on TV is the most awful acronym ever to have appeared since AIDS was discovered: BB. Yes people, Big Brother is back, I was forced to watch one episode. Turns out the theme is on the circus and it seems fitting since we seem to have a very big freak show on it. So from what i've seen so far, it looks as dull as ever. Simply people incredibly desperate for TV fame and then becoming a minor celebrity. The prize money is probably no where near the actual money they get after the show from all the other stupid shows they further appear on.

But since it's the last ever series, I suppose I can let them do what ever they want since I'm not interested, the world cup is still on and I'm not ever gonna see it again.

Can't think of much else to write so I'll end it there I guess. I'll find something else to write about soon.

P.S Yes I am clearly aware of some of the hypocrisy in this blog.

Single and not that bothered at the moment

There are two types of people/couple that I hate:

1) Couples that cannot keep their hands off each other everytime they meet, on the bus, outside the house etc.

2) People that whine about relationship problems and post breakup whines.

I've gotten into trouble about this a few times mentioning my opinion on relationships and whatnots so I'm going to tread pretty carefully in this blog.

Okay, I am single and those who know me probably know that I am an anti-relationship kind of guy. That doesn't mean that I wanna stay single for the rest of my life. I'm just critical of people in relationships that's all.

If all people do in a relationship is do them two things above over and over, it almost makes me wonder why anyone would ever be in a relationship in the first place. Yes there are perks and stuff but it's a constant cycle to some people: You get together, you do stuff and then you break up, you whine, you get over it and you find someone else. This goes on until

a) you finally find 'the one'

b) you're dead

c) you become asexual

or d) you are the last person on earth

I see this a lot on Facebook (notice how my blogs seem to always have a lot to do with FB.... coincidence I guess). People going 'I love you' and 'You're the only one for me' or 'I'd die for you'. and when they break up, SOME people then go 'OMG i can't believe he/she left me! men/women are bastards!' and then they go through some sort of similar emo phase and decides to tell all their friends that they still hate him/her. Yes I understand they're still grieving like their dog still died and they want to let out their frustrations but things like this turn Facebook into Frownbook :(. Maybe they can vent their frustrations through another medium perhaps (how about blogging?)

Perhaps you can call me the unromantic type and I probably won't realise these problems properly until I actually find a girlfriend (in which case, all of you are more than happy to criticise my hypocrisy about this blog and pretty much take the piss out of me for it :P ) and go through the same stages.

So to anyone who reads this thinking 'Oh I'm going to stop ranting about my relationship problems because Will Ho said So!', that's not my point in what I'm saying, I mean yes I hate people who do it, but go ahead and vent your frustration! Just don't expect me to keep interested in your topic for more than a couple of weeks (and probably expect me to hide you people from my news feed for a little while). There's some sort of algorithm for how long people get over a relationship, I think it was off Friends. Was it a quarter of the time of the length of a relationship or something?

On this note, I should probably say I'm not sure if I ever give good relationship advice to people at times so take my words with caution I guess.

Oh and btw, I'm an absolute hoot during Valentines Day(!) :P

IT'S OVER! :D

Wow that was the most stressful few weeks of my life! Finally glad all my exams over and done with! I even finished 15 minutes early, opened a bottle of kopporberg in front of the exam room and waved goodbye to the people still in the exam room :D. And then spent the following 5 hours celebrating in the pub :)

So as I finish my exams and wait for my results to come through. I currently have absolutely nothing to do. Will probably need to find a job of some sort to make some money and perhaps play some poker.

Speaking of which, for all the poker readers who read this, I was hot, but now slooped down faster than Rob Green's confidence levels after fumbling that ball!

This blog was written in the space of 3 days so the main things that have occured is exams, the england game and this particular article....

http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/2010/06/11/coventry-builders-told-to-remove-england-flag-as-it-might-upset-people-92746-26633331/

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3009237/Cross-country-over-England-flag-ban.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1285492/Council-workers-banned-flying-England-flags-OWN-cars.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

all of these claim that people are banning the England flag because it might offend people. And of course these newspapers decide to make a massive deal about keeping PC and crap like that. These rumours have been going about for a while now along FB and the general media.

First of all, NO one is offended by the flag (and if they were, I'm pretty sure there would be a bigger uproar and people would actually hear from it rather than tabloids that have about as much credibility as me explaining to Phil Ivey how to play poker! (again another poker related joke, to the people who don't get this, it means don't believe that shit that comes out).

This rumours comes out at every major football tournament and all it is is to fuel the racial twats wanting to start a fight while secretly promoting more England shirts, flags and newspaper sales. SUCKERS!

And if they are banned, it's not for 'racial' reasons, it's more than likely to be due to safety issues (which is logical) or perhaps as a strict uniform policy, which makes a point. And just to add insult to irony, The Sun also gave away free england flags in their newspapers despite the so called 'ban'.

I haven't bought a newspaper in about 4 years and the only reason I bought that was to find my m8's photo in it. The main reason I stopped buying it is because I simply don't believe anything they write anymore. The only thing you can count on is the Page 3 norks popping out in the Sun, invading celebrities privacy and fucking Jordan having another crap reason to be in the front page of the Daily Star!

Alright, that's enough ranting for the day. Time to take off the Ranting Pants and get off.

Now go away :P

Caffeine Power!!!

Just finished my second last exam today after going on a caffeine turbo run. Drank a couple cups of coffee and a few cans of red bull (or 'KICK', the Tesco equivalent) and was writing like mad! (But just because I was writing like mad doesn't mean I knew everything though... only the results will tell).

So as this blog (and 3 days till I finish my last exam... Whoop Whoop Whoop!), Just thought I'd talk about caffeine and red bull. Red Bull does NOT give you wings! The only exception is if you are a bird and the bird did not realise that it originally did not have wings (tell me if you ever see one of them)!

It does however make you work like mad and 6 hours later, it wears off and I pretty much crash out on the bed afterwards. Much like alcohol except you're hyper instead of drunk. I've drank so many energy drinks and lack of sleep over the few weeks from revision and exams that I wonder what it's doing to my insides.

After these exams, I'm planning to get back into fitness and see if I can still apply for a half marathon somewhere. As well as that, I'm planning to cleanse by body out while also celebrating my exams (obviously these 2 plans are going to clash).

But one more exam to go baby! :D

There is no type of weather that I am ever happy with

Every weather has its downsides. First it's absolutely scorching hot and dare not get out of the house because it's too hot and I'll get sunburnt. And right now, it is pissing down with rain and I can't get out of the house. I'd may as well become a daily mail reader since everything seems to scare me from going out of the house!

Therefore, my conclusion with weather is that the perfect weather is cloudy. Not too hot, not raining and light breeze of air. ...

More on this blog to come :)

Clearly I am Procrastinating!

Day before my 2nd last ever exam and here I am blogging. Why? I dunno, maybe I'm putting my mind off things. Maybe I'm in denial about my exam. Or maybe I'm just that awesome that I think I can get a first in this exam without revising at all. (or maybe I'm just lying about that last point...)

So as I walk about town clearly trying to avoid my work, I see some other students already celebrating that they've already finished. (lucky buggers...) and then hearing what people are gonna do after they graduate. The overall response? Nothing at all or nothing related to their field. Although saying that, I have heard of some people getting jobs already sorted once they've graduated that's related in their field.

But seeing as jobs are going to be clearly difficult to get this year with all the debts and everything, what's there to do? Perhaps working in MaccyDs would be a start but that would sort of defeat the whole point of going to uni in the first place. Although I wonder if getting a job in McDonalds requires a degree in burger flipping or not... I mean if that's the case, then I've got a first in sarcasm... even though my limited use for that degree would be in sarcasm.

I don't wanna offend anyone who works in McDonalds. I mean I'm sure there's plenty of benefits working there. Smelling of grease after work, getting paid, having some basic cooking knowledge etc. But it feels like ending up in a crappy job like that after your degrees just means you wasted 30k in debt and not making use of it at all. I mean I'm about to get an engineering degree and maybe it'll help me in the long run when I want to build my own house out of straw, sticks and bricks (and then the big bad wolf to blow it all down). I just don't wanna waste 30k down the drain just so I end up wasting my life saying 'Do you want fries with that?'

At the moment I have no plans once I graduate although I am looking for any post grad stuff available or any jobs that pop up. At the moment, I haven't even planned what I'm doing 3 weeks from now let alone 3 months or 3 years from now!

Clearly I am rambling on and attacking any Mcdonalds worker so I'll keep this post up but I'll delete it once I've finished my exams and realised I'm offending a certain group of people.

And there we go. Another WHoRRAIP down the drain. (Wierdly, that mixed acronym sounds like WHOR RAIP. Or Whore Rape as far as I can see...)

Will write again soon I guess.

Well my FB amnesty didn't last long... and fraping!

a grand total of 10 hours.... in fact, it was less than that because I found out I could still access everyone's status updates and posts on my other laptop without entering my password! Something tells me someone in the facebook offices needs to fix some of their 'security' issues...

And even then, I found out all I had to do to reactivate my account was to log-in as normal with my own password! What was the point of suspending and switching off my account then?!

So in total, the facebook deactivation didn't last long but I did manage to get through most of my exams alright (except for Thursday which was about as successful as Guy Fawkes bomb plot...)

But for my first 'real' blog, I thought I'd post about getting 'Fraped' a portmanteau of facebook and rape. At first glance, the name looks like attempting to have sex with a person on facebook without letting them know (I think they just call that rape afaik...) but it's basically altering or changing a person's FB account without letting them know.

It's quite amazing how many people leave their FB accounts open on their laptops and how tempting everyone is at trying to change it! It's like leaving a set of Twilight book amongst a horde of Tweeks (a portmanteau of Twilight and Geeks) and coming back seeing which 'Team' they're on (you twilight people know what I'm talking about!).

I write this after just being fraped from my house mate (cheers dave....) and changing my b'day to today... must be nice seeing friends I rarely speak to say happy birthday to me :)

I'm no saint, I've done it a few times... in fact a lot.... Alright! you probably can't trust me with your facebook open but it's all about what you do with it! So here's a list of different Frape types you can probably do.

The 'Coming out the Closet' Update - Basically announce that you have suddenly become gay to all your FB friends. Obviously this isn't as effective if the frape victim is already gay or is female. Although updating a girl's FB update say she's a lesbian would be an interesting talking point sometime... I don't think I've ever seen an FB update saying they were gay AND were serious about it. I'd feel bad for them since no one would believe them :P. There's lots of variations of this as well. 'I'm Pregnant', 'I'm gonna be a Dad', 'I got caught wanking inside a public bathroom', basically something embarassing or funny to say.

The Profile Change - change their settings to change their likes and dislikes, make them interested in men (see COTC above), change their views, change their sex, but them in a relationship (works EVEN better when the victim has added their parents/siblings on FB as well :D) or change their birthday, which immediately leads me to....

The 'Happy Birth'Rape! Changing their birthday so it is tomorrow or any other day that's not actually their birthday. Then see how everyone begins typing 'Happy Birthday!' into your wall and not getting why they're saying it so early. If you want, you could also do this to your own account and see how many 'real' friends actually know your real birthday. But expect to lose a few friends in that test :P (it does amaze me how some people you don't speak to much add you on facebook and don't speak to you except when it's your birthday... a true test of friendship?)

The Group Rape! - Join any conspicuous groups such as NAMBLA (look it up), GAY (again, see COTC), Nazi approval, Transvestite Attraction, Danger Wanks, stuff like that. The best Group Rape (aka Grape... wait that can't work) was when I saw the guy make a group 'If 1000 people join this group, I will run naked around town!') Unfortunately only 100 joined within a day before it got deleted...

The 'I like everything!' attack - Like every status update that pops up on the news feed. Doesn't matter which ones, finished exams, just had their first periods, broke up from a relationship, cat died, they tend to have a tough time explaining that :D

The 'Add my name' system! - Add everyone that has the same full or first name as the victim. A more sneaky frape since the victim doesn't tend to find out until a few days later when they see messages from people saying 'Why are you adding me?' and getting members of the opposite sex adding you even though they've never met you before (this only works if the victim is fit).

And finally...

The Love Rape! - Confess their love for someone on facebook, male or female, gay or straight, sibling or relative. Send a relationship request to them, message them on their walls or FB chat, the responses tend to be funny :)

And there we go! The 7 ways to rape someone (on facebook, if you really wanna rape someone, dont ask me... rohypnhol). Have fun fraping everyone's account and stop fraping mine!

:)

Will Ho on the Go!

I just deleted my facebook!

First of all, to the people who found this blog, Well Done :)

Realised i spent FAR too long on facebook so I decided to deactivate it for a while until the first few exams get out of the way.... I have a lot of revision and with less than 10 hours till my exam, I got a LOT of cramming to do.

Anyway. hopefully, I should be done by thursday afternoon so I'll reactivate it then :).

Until then, I will see all of you soon! :D

(or perhaps check my twitter, i don't check that as often)

New Blog!

As a method of procrastination, I am writing this blog to say I hate revision...

That is all...

...