How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

(Apparantly there was some kind of show or comedy with the same name. This is not related to it at all. Although I am interested in finding out about it)

The past few weeks have bee a little quiet and I've spent quite a bit of time on cod (that's Call of Duty. Not the Fish...). It's got a 'Nazi Zombie' mode where you and a group of friends survive waves after waves of zombies coming in to pick at your brains.

First thing that came to me was 'Why Nazis?' Are we meant to feel less bad that they used to kill us and now that they're zombies trying to eat us? Or are we meant to be more scared at the fact that they're Nazis and they're Zombies at the same time?! OMG! Two of the scariest things have combined into making a Scary and Terrifying Doom! (also known as an STD)

But anyway, it's addictive and I've played it quite far in. At one point I played it so for so long that after switching the game off, every small sound kept sounding vaguely like a zombie groaning and coming to get me! This kept causing me to self-react and arm myself with the nearest weapon I could find just in case... You'd be amazed how useful it is when you instantly turn round carrying a ladle to hit someone with.

Taking some time off, I thought about what would I need to survive if someone accidentally drops a t-virus to where I am and somehow I'm the only one that survived. Obviously, there's been some inspiration from Resident Evil, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead etc. So here's the list:

Spot the Signs - There are numerous signs that you/they might be a zombie. Notice the following points:

* Inability to talk straight
* Cannot Walk properly
* Has a tendancy to eat your brains
* Pale looking

Keep an eye out for these and you should be able to prepare for any zombie attack

Always aim for the head! - Most zombie games seem follow the same rule. If they still move after their head comes off. Proceed to step 2:

Shoot the Legs If they can't move, they can't get you. Of course they can crawl. But it's not like you're gonna get outrun by them.

Avoid corners, walls, and windows, Especially if they break easily - I think I've pretty much seen every zombie movie that attempts to grab you from behind through a window of some sort. If you seen it done once, obvious move, don't do it again.

Do not attempt to 'save' a zombie - They're dead. Even if they were your sibling/spouse/friend/hooker, just shoot them already. Don't hesitate.

Any form of thick, sharp, heavy and/or blunt object is classified as a decent zombie weapon - If it's enough to knock out a normal person, it's good against a zombie.

If you have an opportunity to get shit loads of ammo and/or guns, TAKE IT! - What I don't get about Resident Evil is that you know you're going up against hundreds, nay, thousands of zombies, and their preparation for this is to bring a crappy pistol and decide to randomly find ammo if they pick it up. First of all, that's stealing, and second, who the hell leaves live grenades lying about in their cupboards?!

Erm... That's all I can think of for now. So sleep tight and stay prepared. Remember, If they start eating brains, Be Afraid!

The Evil Lair of Online Dating!

Despite hating the concept, idea and everything about online dating. I thought to myself I'm not allowed to berate it without actually rating it first. So for the sake of humour in my blogs (no really!), I decided to set up a fake account, put a picture of Leon Lai in my front picture (erm... look him up on google for those who don't know who is) and start exploring one of those websites. I should also note that I did not pay a single penny to use the whole site because donating to a site like this that I won't use is the same as Posh Spice paying to get herself a gastric bypass!

First, input your details. Seems fair enough, you put your name, your whereabouts, your looks and then it comes on to 'Body Shape'. Originally expecting it to be apple, pear or orange shape, instead the 3 options were 'Slim', 'Curvy', or 'Cuddly'.... which all I can guess are slang terms for 'Relatively Normal', 'Admits that he/she is fat' and 'Morbidly Obese'.

Having clicked on 'Slim' (again, this is Leon Lai, not me) and put in my personality (my own), I went in to the dating world with a mask covering my face. And oh dear... My first impressions where as expected, desperate people desperately looking for someone! On a scale of 1 to 10, the standard ranged from 6 to -6!. While I was looking in my local area, I noticed that there were people I recognised as well. (I won't mention who to save their privacy) and all I can say is there's no surprise here!

Some of the profile pics and their age showed that either there's clearly been some sort of age-reducing skin lotion I haven't heard about yet or some people have been lying on their pictures and profiles...Some of them are clearly exaggerating and some are trying to hard such as posing in a bikini....some of them less...which made me want to throw up...and almost succeeded.

The website had a personality match finding service where it compares my personality to other people by a percentage and matches it by the highest number. So far my best match has not been higher than 65%. I can understand that trying trying to match a person who has nothing better to do than write blogs and try to make jokes about online dating websites can be difficult. But then I tried altering my personality details to make it look like I'm a racist who is on the sex offenders register and an anti-semite. Oddly enough, I started getting matches of over 70-80%!

I can't help thinking every profile I look at has a 'problem' with it. If you're on that website, there's gotta be something wrong with you. So I clicked on this profile but for the sake of this purpose, let's call her 'Hannah'. Now 'Hannah' has a fairly decent, self-taken pic of her face and she matches some of my personality. Her ideal man is a 6ft, tall, dark and handsome fellow who will whisk her off into the sunset. Okay, she doesn't like everything that I like, for example, she likes Sex and the City. I just like the first bit.

Looking through, all seems fine until I see her height. She's 5ft. Instantly clicked away. The thought of a person who is a whole, footlong, subway sandwich between me and her made me think that I could place 12 stacks of 1 inch thick books on her head and she still might not be as tall as me! But that wasn't the only problem. Her other photos showed her and her massive obsession with ponies...NEXT!

After a few days, I noticed my profile had been getting quite a few views and they were clearly interested in my personality ;). Some of them have even 'liked' my profile. Something I thought I'm grateful of and thought I'd return the favour. Unfortunately I cannot show you what I saw for privacy reasons and the best way to describe it is to write what I said in my head:

"OH MY GOD!!!!! She looks like she's been beaten with Adrian Chile's face and put her nose in a deep fat frier! She's got more wrinkles than my grandma! That e-mail said she was 22 but she looks closer to being a mummy! An actual Egyptian mummy! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Regrettably, I sent an e-mail back to her saying 'Sorry I've been taken' to put her down safely (the social equivalent of saying 'It's not you, it's me' in a break-up).

Okay, I'm being a little harsh on this. It's sort of understandable that if you can't find love out in the real word, you're sort of forced to look through other mediums and I get it. There probably is a match for everyone and he/she might be on that particular website. Ideally, not hiding their faces like I did.

A week later, I decided to close the account and never access it again. For the sake of not receiving any more dodgy messages and for the sake of my eyes to never see some of the awful things I've seen there again! (I was better off making my eyes watch 2 Girls 1 Cup again!)

Blog is complete and I will now try to scrub my eyes out!

First Blog of the Year!

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to 2011! This year is all about the ones and I'm hoping it'll be an absolute hoot!

Now that it's the New year, everyone's probably recovering from their hangovers and crazy nights during New Year's Eve. And while everyone (including me) is doing that, now is probably a better time than never to start writing some New Years resolutions!

I made a resolution years ago to stop making resolutions because I never kept them and broke them faster than a can of lager disappearing in an alcoholics anonymous meeting! Obviously, writing this blog means I have broken this resolution meaning my tradition of breaking resolutions will continue to happen.

So here is my list of resolutions that I will (try) to keep during 2011:

Go to the Gym more: - Actually, I think I do this every year and the only thing getting lighter is my wallet! (Please see one of my previous blogs about the gym). A better resolution would be to go to the gym at more convenient times as I have a tendancy to go workout when I have lectures on or when I'm meant to be somewhere...

Be Less of a Cunt - Sometimes I can be an arse and I've probably offended more people than Nick Griffin at times just from the accidental blurts of lunacy that comes out of my mouth. In 2010, I may have unintentionally offended women, the jewish, gingers, germans and all of the above. For 2011, I will try to either offend less people or diversify my offensiveness so at least I'm an arse to everyone rather than certain criterias...

Talk Less about Poker - I have a feeling people seem to be assuming that I'm a gambling addict with nothing else to talk about but gambling. I should point out to everyone that I do have a life and the fact that poker seems to be the most significant points that stand out in my facebook statuses (amongst my other rants on life, the universe and everything) means that I should write less or at least make them less interesting otherwise they wouldn't be making such a fuss...

Get a girlfriend - Actually, fuck that, too much hassle, I'll just find a prossie instead!*

Get a First in my Degree - Now this is a bit of a long shot but at least I have something to work towards I guess.

Enter a big poker tournament Through satelite only... and on that note:

Win a WSOP bracelet, PCA, GUKPT, EPT, or any poker tournament worth £500 or more... or basically:

Make a shit load of money - that seems to work then

And finally,

Drink More - Preferably water.


Right, that's the first blog of 2011 done. Happy new year and good luck on any of your resolutions!

*Please Note I am not interested in looking for a girlfriend at time of writing NOR am I looking for a prostitute....