How NOT to revise!

I don't know why they invent easter holidays. Easter's during the holidays when all the kids 16 and up are spent most of the holidays revising and although having chocolate eggs is a plus, still does not hide that fact that you're spending your holidays 'holidaying'....

I have about 2 weeks before my big exams coming up. It's hard to believe that I've been studying for nearly 20 years now and you'd have thought after 20 years of learning to learn and revise, I'd have got the hang of it now. But I haven't and I spend most of the time procrastinating. I particularly remember my maths A levels resits which mostly involved me doing past papers and writing notes about a week before the exam. To my own surprise, I came out with an A in Maths and B in Further Maths! Unfortunately, as soon as I decide to do engineering, I find out that I'm forced to LEARN things properly to get a good mark which has been hit and miss so far.

So, although I'm not the perfect person to write this, here's a list of things to do to revise for an exam for all those poor students and kids having to face the most gruelling days of their lives:

Find a quiet place - Your bedroom, the library, the basement, a soundproof room, a graveyard, a room full of deaf people. Anywhere where you can get peace and solitude to work.

Treat your studying like you how you would do if you're working - By this I mean work like you're going to work. As in job 'work'. In other words, get this right or you're going to get fired! In fact, you're not gonna get fired, you won't get a job! And therefore you're already fired before you're even hired!

No TV should be turned on - the only exception is if you have an exam on television programmings... though I would love to see a uni course to a study on TV programs and whatnot. Maybe they'd call it something crazy like 'Media Studies'! Ha!

All distractions should be kept out of your room - THis means TV mentioned above, games consoles magazines, porn, your girlfriend in front of you, that pen with that picture of a woman that takes her clothes off when you press the pen down etc... (actually, I don't think i've seen them in a while)

Avoid the Bed The bed is the equivalent of Sienna Miller asking to have urgently have sex with you but you are tied to a chair until you finish this revision... well you get the picture.

Coffee is your friend - Some say coffee is the solution to all of life's problems. Although they will not solve the Bernoulli Equations (a small engineering joke...), it does help you concentrate. I have bad after-effects of coffee when I get comedowns (similar to taking drugs) after a while and just sleep it off... in fact, coffee occasionally helps me sleep at night which is ironic I guess

Facebook is your enemy! - I've written down on my diary to arrange to sue Mark Zuckerberg for all the hours I've lost on Facebook...

And finally

DO NOT START WRITING BLOGS TO PROCRASTINATE!

and that's all, I will leave you with this video :)

Red Rum! Blue Vodka! Black Whisky!

Contrary to what many people think, I rarely go to the bookies. One of the only times I go is to make a small bet on the Grand National. This is the 3rd time I've done this and given the fact that I know as much information about horse racing than I do about brain surgery, I pretty much have to get really lucky to win one.

Upon my third time in betting for the grand national, I realised that I was burning money betting on horses with odds of 50-1 or more. The past two years I put a quid on a two 100-1 horses and they didn't pop up. Now if I put that statistically, assuming that the probability is actually correct (which it probably won't be), then for every 100 goes I place a bet on this, it should pop up once. Figuring that, I realised it wasn't going to happen this year so I'd put my money on safer bets.

(Those of you who do maths should already be aware that this is not actually true... Yes I'm not stupid... most of the time)

Next decision is to choose a horse based on a funny name. Last year I put a few bets on lots of funny names such as Big Fella Thanks, The Package, Made in Taipan, Hello Bud and this pretty unusual one called 'Don't Push It'. Personally, I think the odds are based on how ridiculous the names are. The more ridiculous, the higher odds. This would probably mean that more suckers would put bets on this horse thinking that they have a 'special' chance to win it. Of course it never happens (bar the odd fluke of a time) and bookies rake it in.

Of course, if I ever owned a horse, I would probably put the name down as 'Your Mum'. The joke would be hilarious the first time round. But then you'd eventually get sick of the joke because you'd hear it all the time. You then apply this logic to winning races and therefore 'Your Mum' would be perfect!

Using this approach I look for a name that looked pretty cool and not too ridiculous. Looking at the names this year, some I recognise from last year. Some that I've chosen before and regretted, others that I've chosen before and reaped in my winnings. And then some that just sound to crazy to be true. Even though I won last year with Don't Push It, I'm also aware that no horse has won it twice in a row since Red Rum so I decided not to 'push my luck' on it (see what i did there? :P)

So finally deciding, I put a few quid on Silver by Nature and What a Friend after being tipped by a punter there. His reasoning? He was grey haired and was a Man U fan (What a Friend is part owned by Sir Alex Ferguson). Using this same logic because I too was also grey and red, I went to bet on these as well. Good luck to me!

Taking a quick glance again, I looked at the weirder names on the list and I saw 'Ballabriggs'. What a name! A name so crazy like that would never win a race surely!

And there goes my story of how I didn't win anything on the Grand National.

The Significance of Protesting

Put your placards up, write a sign, speak to the world and try to fight the power!

The past few months have seen a bigger jump in popularity in protesting than Justin Beiber supporters! (actually, that's a bit of a lie, because Justin Beiber's a c***). Tuition fees, cuts, money, pretty much hot topics that have been widely debated for a while. But just how many of these protests were successful and overturned a decision in their favour?

Tuition Fees? Close, but failed. Cuts? Not really. Libya? Well, it's a mess at the moment at least. EDL? Well they just like to batter things up.

Now I'm not saying I'm against protests. I think it's one of the greatest forms of voicing your power and significance towards a government or higher power. But the success rate is so slim that it's either because their minds have been made up or it's too little too late.

And then you have the credibility of a protest(or). I'm pretty sure 99% of a protest group are actually true to their cause. But it takes just that small minority to fuck things up and bring their credibility to that of a small child. All that minority has to do is break a window, start a riot, say a stupid thing. Like many massive groups, it takes one person to fuck it up for everyone. Which is a shame really because that minority is either a little 'over' enthusiastic about a protest or is simply there just to cause trouble and sabotage the whole protest from the beginning (which I'm sure happens).

The tuition fee was just clearly asking for a riot. If you're asking students (which I'm sure 99% are clean cut) to protest. And also being along bunches of 16-17 yr old hooded gangs into the mix, you're going to massively ask for trouble. And unfortunately, the media love things like this and show the dark side of this rather than the rest of the group which are all safe and clean.

The media also like to publish credibility on ONE individual out of a protest and publish how rich this kid is to be complaining about tuition fee rises. Whilst yes, there could possibly be a fact that his parents are well off but it doesn't mean that he can't protest about cuts in fees at all.

(I should mention that I hate newspapers and havent bought or properly read one page to page in about 10 years, and even then all I read was the comic strips!)

Now the last protest I went to was in 2003 against the war in Iraq. Well I say protest, it was just most of the school deciding to stay outside after lunch in the field area. Much as I had no idea how this was going to make an impact, the idea came after the local paper put a rival school on the front page saying all these school kids were doing the same thing as a protest to the war in Iraq.

Now I got to be honest, seriously? The idea to protest a war in Iraq was to stay outside, miss school lessons and basically pull a 'sickie' at school? I'm not sure who actually started this protest but if your idea was to gather the whole school playground into one area and play truant. You managed to get that working alright. Although it actually had no point on the war in Iraq at all. No signs, placards or music. But all the kids went anyway because it's a free excuse to get out and not go to lessons. HUZZAH!

(Yes, I was a tiny 'swot' at school)

Okay, that's enough from me for now. I'm off to protest about why there aren't enough renewable energy power stations by going for lunch. Ho Train Out. :)t

Veggie Week!

Okay, clearly I forgot to write this after announcing that I would go veggie for a week. so here's how I survived the week.

Day 1 - I came to a shock when I realised that my 9am bacon and egg butty wasn't vegetarian! So I had to settle for an egg and hash brown butty instead. Lunch was a Brie and Cranberry baguette and dinner was a margharita pizza.

Day 2 - Standard breakfast of cornflakes (but less bacon in it) and then survived lunch and dinner with chips and a cheesy garlic bread respectively.

Day 3 - Clearly I was cheating this challenge so I decided to cook something myself instead. (I say cook, basically anything that isn't a pizza...) So tried falafel for the first time. Surprisingly nice. It's like the chicken nugget's vegetarian and hotter cousin! Served with greased potatoes...

Dinner saw me try to cook toad in the hole using vegetarian sausages and vegetarian gravy. I cook toad in the hole quite regularly, about once a fortnight and it's always about using the best sausages you can get and a nice, thick gravy and smooth, herby mash. Since I'm using veggie stuff, none of that was possible since the sausages were made of Quorn and I came to remember why I hated Quorn so many years ago. Tasted more like 'Turd' in the hole! (disclaimer: I have NEVER eaten turd before...). The gravy looked more like brown water with a taste like brown water. No matter how much powder I put in, the gravy didn't get any thicker and had about as much taste as a burger completely filled with BLAND!

Day 4 - After an awful dinner, I was feeling the lack of the meat sweats in my walking. Lunch was a halloumi sandwich. Halloumi is chicken's closest brother and I quite liked it.

Dinner was a variation of crispy chili beef (with the beef obviously removed). I tried replacing the beef with tofu. Now I know lots of people hate tofu and it's a vegan thing and it has about as much flavour as eating chalk with a hint of dust on it but it's all about what you cook the tofu in. Cooking involved deep frying the bad boy blocks of tofu and cooking it in a sweet chili sauce. Tasted quite nice and didn't even require any meat!

Day 5 - Friday was Subway Day and to Subway's absolute shock and horror, I didn't order my usual footlong steak and cheese sandwich. So I asked what's in the veggie delite thinking it was some sort of quorn style patty. As it turns out, a veggie delite sub is just a sub with salad in it!! I asked the guy at the counter 'Couldn't you just call it a salad sub instead to save the confusion?' and the guy replies that it's a 'Marketing Ploy'... Like I'm sure you're going to sell a lot more subway sandwichs by renaming bread and salad into something more 'delite'ful!. I'd hate to see how they would rename 'Cheese on Bread'.... Probably something Welsh...

In the night, I got an egg mayonnaise sandwich for tea. Ironically, I like eggs, I like mayonnaise, but I don't like to mix both of these together in a sandwich myself. Yet i'd still eat it...

Day 6 - After a crazy night out while only being able to drink spirits and mixers (some beers contain meat according to my vegetarian friends), I stopped into a vegetarian restaurant in town and went to see what they had. They had everything on the menu except for the obvious... tofu.... (and meat obviously). So I decided to go for a 'Whaletail' Pie and salad. The pie was something like a potato and mushroom tart with cheese on and the salad was filled with everything except lettuce, cucumber or tomatoes! I didn't really like cabbage nor have a thing lentils so i left the salad out.

Night time was a vegetarian frittata. Basically all the leftover eggs and vegetables I had the left.

Day 7 - Sunday Roast! Went for a nut roast. I was always wondering what was in a Nut roast and thought it was lots of nuts crammed into some sort of bready filling. Turns out I was half right. Although it does sound more disappointing that it's simply just stuffing with nuts in it...

Dinner was a vegetarian japanese katsu curry. Basically, fry some vegetables, pour hot water over it. Then add a curry roux (which is sort of like curry on a stick) and it makes a really nice japanese style curry. The main difference with other curries is that it's sweeter and not as spicy

And there we go! 7 days of going veggie. I actually held on for an extra day because I didn't even realise I missed my meat! I probably could've gone a whole month no problem but unfortunately that failed when I decided to eat a marshmallow and realised that's made made from meat. FML

Going Veggie!

I've decided to go Veggie for a week (perhaps longer, I haven't decided yet). I thought it might be in an interesting experiment to try as well as how well it goes as a weightloss plan etc.

The idea came to me after Phil Ivey (google him) had a $2 million dollar bet to go vegetarian for a whole year but gave up and bought out after 3 weeks! I was thinking to myself "what a pussy! how hard can it be?".

The rules are:

* Not allowed to eat anything that moves.
* Gelatine is not allowed, this must be checked on any labels. Therefore, no jellies, marshmallows.
* Certain alcohols need to be checked if they are veggie friendly
* Failure will result in a £30 donation to charity

I'll be divulging the food I've eaten over the week and how I managed to survive in a later blog!

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

(Apparantly there was some kind of show or comedy with the same name. This is not related to it at all. Although I am interested in finding out about it)

The past few weeks have bee a little quiet and I've spent quite a bit of time on cod (that's Call of Duty. Not the Fish...). It's got a 'Nazi Zombie' mode where you and a group of friends survive waves after waves of zombies coming in to pick at your brains.

First thing that came to me was 'Why Nazis?' Are we meant to feel less bad that they used to kill us and now that they're zombies trying to eat us? Or are we meant to be more scared at the fact that they're Nazis and they're Zombies at the same time?! OMG! Two of the scariest things have combined into making a Scary and Terrifying Doom! (also known as an STD)

But anyway, it's addictive and I've played it quite far in. At one point I played it so for so long that after switching the game off, every small sound kept sounding vaguely like a zombie groaning and coming to get me! This kept causing me to self-react and arm myself with the nearest weapon I could find just in case... You'd be amazed how useful it is when you instantly turn round carrying a ladle to hit someone with.

Taking some time off, I thought about what would I need to survive if someone accidentally drops a t-virus to where I am and somehow I'm the only one that survived. Obviously, there's been some inspiration from Resident Evil, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead etc. So here's the list:

Spot the Signs - There are numerous signs that you/they might be a zombie. Notice the following points:

* Inability to talk straight
* Cannot Walk properly
* Has a tendancy to eat your brains
* Pale looking

Keep an eye out for these and you should be able to prepare for any zombie attack

Always aim for the head! - Most zombie games seem follow the same rule. If they still move after their head comes off. Proceed to step 2:

Shoot the Legs If they can't move, they can't get you. Of course they can crawl. But it's not like you're gonna get outrun by them.

Avoid corners, walls, and windows, Especially if they break easily - I think I've pretty much seen every zombie movie that attempts to grab you from behind through a window of some sort. If you seen it done once, obvious move, don't do it again.

Do not attempt to 'save' a zombie - They're dead. Even if they were your sibling/spouse/friend/hooker, just shoot them already. Don't hesitate.

Any form of thick, sharp, heavy and/or blunt object is classified as a decent zombie weapon - If it's enough to knock out a normal person, it's good against a zombie.

If you have an opportunity to get shit loads of ammo and/or guns, TAKE IT! - What I don't get about Resident Evil is that you know you're going up against hundreds, nay, thousands of zombies, and their preparation for this is to bring a crappy pistol and decide to randomly find ammo if they pick it up. First of all, that's stealing, and second, who the hell leaves live grenades lying about in their cupboards?!

Erm... That's all I can think of for now. So sleep tight and stay prepared. Remember, If they start eating brains, Be Afraid!

The Evil Lair of Online Dating!

Despite hating the concept, idea and everything about online dating. I thought to myself I'm not allowed to berate it without actually rating it first. So for the sake of humour in my blogs (no really!), I decided to set up a fake account, put a picture of Leon Lai in my front picture (erm... look him up on google for those who don't know who is) and start exploring one of those websites. I should also note that I did not pay a single penny to use the whole site because donating to a site like this that I won't use is the same as Posh Spice paying to get herself a gastric bypass!

First, input your details. Seems fair enough, you put your name, your whereabouts, your looks and then it comes on to 'Body Shape'. Originally expecting it to be apple, pear or orange shape, instead the 3 options were 'Slim', 'Curvy', or 'Cuddly'.... which all I can guess are slang terms for 'Relatively Normal', 'Admits that he/she is fat' and 'Morbidly Obese'.

Having clicked on 'Slim' (again, this is Leon Lai, not me) and put in my personality (my own), I went in to the dating world with a mask covering my face. And oh dear... My first impressions where as expected, desperate people desperately looking for someone! On a scale of 1 to 10, the standard ranged from 6 to -6!. While I was looking in my local area, I noticed that there were people I recognised as well. (I won't mention who to save their privacy) and all I can say is there's no surprise here!

Some of the profile pics and their age showed that either there's clearly been some sort of age-reducing skin lotion I haven't heard about yet or some people have been lying on their pictures and profiles...Some of them are clearly exaggerating and some are trying to hard such as posing in a bikini....some of them less...which made me want to throw up...and almost succeeded.

The website had a personality match finding service where it compares my personality to other people by a percentage and matches it by the highest number. So far my best match has not been higher than 65%. I can understand that trying trying to match a person who has nothing better to do than write blogs and try to make jokes about online dating websites can be difficult. But then I tried altering my personality details to make it look like I'm a racist who is on the sex offenders register and an anti-semite. Oddly enough, I started getting matches of over 70-80%!

I can't help thinking every profile I look at has a 'problem' with it. If you're on that website, there's gotta be something wrong with you. So I clicked on this profile but for the sake of this purpose, let's call her 'Hannah'. Now 'Hannah' has a fairly decent, self-taken pic of her face and she matches some of my personality. Her ideal man is a 6ft, tall, dark and handsome fellow who will whisk her off into the sunset. Okay, she doesn't like everything that I like, for example, she likes Sex and the City. I just like the first bit.

Looking through, all seems fine until I see her height. She's 5ft. Instantly clicked away. The thought of a person who is a whole, footlong, subway sandwich between me and her made me think that I could place 12 stacks of 1 inch thick books on her head and she still might not be as tall as me! But that wasn't the only problem. Her other photos showed her and her massive obsession with ponies...NEXT!

After a few days, I noticed my profile had been getting quite a few views and they were clearly interested in my personality ;). Some of them have even 'liked' my profile. Something I thought I'm grateful of and thought I'd return the favour. Unfortunately I cannot show you what I saw for privacy reasons and the best way to describe it is to write what I said in my head:

"OH MY GOD!!!!! She looks like she's been beaten with Adrian Chile's face and put her nose in a deep fat frier! She's got more wrinkles than my grandma! That e-mail said she was 22 but she looks closer to being a mummy! An actual Egyptian mummy! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Regrettably, I sent an e-mail back to her saying 'Sorry I've been taken' to put her down safely (the social equivalent of saying 'It's not you, it's me' in a break-up).

Okay, I'm being a little harsh on this. It's sort of understandable that if you can't find love out in the real word, you're sort of forced to look through other mediums and I get it. There probably is a match for everyone and he/she might be on that particular website. Ideally, not hiding their faces like I did.

A week later, I decided to close the account and never access it again. For the sake of not receiving any more dodgy messages and for the sake of my eyes to never see some of the awful things I've seen there again! (I was better off making my eyes watch 2 Girls 1 Cup again!)

Blog is complete and I will now try to scrub my eyes out!