Going Veggie!

I've decided to go Veggie for a week (perhaps longer, I haven't decided yet). I thought it might be in an interesting experiment to try as well as how well it goes as a weightloss plan etc.

The idea came to me after Phil Ivey (google him) had a $2 million dollar bet to go vegetarian for a whole year but gave up and bought out after 3 weeks! I was thinking to myself "what a pussy! how hard can it be?".

The rules are:

* Not allowed to eat anything that moves.
* Gelatine is not allowed, this must be checked on any labels. Therefore, no jellies, marshmallows.
* Certain alcohols need to be checked if they are veggie friendly
* Failure will result in a £30 donation to charity

I'll be divulging the food I've eaten over the week and how I managed to survive in a later blog!

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

(Apparantly there was some kind of show or comedy with the same name. This is not related to it at all. Although I am interested in finding out about it)

The past few weeks have bee a little quiet and I've spent quite a bit of time on cod (that's Call of Duty. Not the Fish...). It's got a 'Nazi Zombie' mode where you and a group of friends survive waves after waves of zombies coming in to pick at your brains.

First thing that came to me was 'Why Nazis?' Are we meant to feel less bad that they used to kill us and now that they're zombies trying to eat us? Or are we meant to be more scared at the fact that they're Nazis and they're Zombies at the same time?! OMG! Two of the scariest things have combined into making a Scary and Terrifying Doom! (also known as an STD)

But anyway, it's addictive and I've played it quite far in. At one point I played it so for so long that after switching the game off, every small sound kept sounding vaguely like a zombie groaning and coming to get me! This kept causing me to self-react and arm myself with the nearest weapon I could find just in case... You'd be amazed how useful it is when you instantly turn round carrying a ladle to hit someone with.

Taking some time off, I thought about what would I need to survive if someone accidentally drops a t-virus to where I am and somehow I'm the only one that survived. Obviously, there's been some inspiration from Resident Evil, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead etc. So here's the list:

Spot the Signs - There are numerous signs that you/they might be a zombie. Notice the following points:

* Inability to talk straight
* Cannot Walk properly
* Has a tendancy to eat your brains
* Pale looking

Keep an eye out for these and you should be able to prepare for any zombie attack

Always aim for the head! - Most zombie games seem follow the same rule. If they still move after their head comes off. Proceed to step 2:

Shoot the Legs If they can't move, they can't get you. Of course they can crawl. But it's not like you're gonna get outrun by them.

Avoid corners, walls, and windows, Especially if they break easily - I think I've pretty much seen every zombie movie that attempts to grab you from behind through a window of some sort. If you seen it done once, obvious move, don't do it again.

Do not attempt to 'save' a zombie - They're dead. Even if they were your sibling/spouse/friend/hooker, just shoot them already. Don't hesitate.

Any form of thick, sharp, heavy and/or blunt object is classified as a decent zombie weapon - If it's enough to knock out a normal person, it's good against a zombie.

If you have an opportunity to get shit loads of ammo and/or guns, TAKE IT! - What I don't get about Resident Evil is that you know you're going up against hundreds, nay, thousands of zombies, and their preparation for this is to bring a crappy pistol and decide to randomly find ammo if they pick it up. First of all, that's stealing, and second, who the hell leaves live grenades lying about in their cupboards?!

Erm... That's all I can think of for now. So sleep tight and stay prepared. Remember, If they start eating brains, Be Afraid!

The Evil Lair of Online Dating!

Despite hating the concept, idea and everything about online dating. I thought to myself I'm not allowed to berate it without actually rating it first. So for the sake of humour in my blogs (no really!), I decided to set up a fake account, put a picture of Leon Lai in my front picture (erm... look him up on google for those who don't know who is) and start exploring one of those websites. I should also note that I did not pay a single penny to use the whole site because donating to a site like this that I won't use is the same as Posh Spice paying to get herself a gastric bypass!

First, input your details. Seems fair enough, you put your name, your whereabouts, your looks and then it comes on to 'Body Shape'. Originally expecting it to be apple, pear or orange shape, instead the 3 options were 'Slim', 'Curvy', or 'Cuddly'.... which all I can guess are slang terms for 'Relatively Normal', 'Admits that he/she is fat' and 'Morbidly Obese'.

Having clicked on 'Slim' (again, this is Leon Lai, not me) and put in my personality (my own), I went in to the dating world with a mask covering my face. And oh dear... My first impressions where as expected, desperate people desperately looking for someone! On a scale of 1 to 10, the standard ranged from 6 to -6!. While I was looking in my local area, I noticed that there were people I recognised as well. (I won't mention who to save their privacy) and all I can say is there's no surprise here!

Some of the profile pics and their age showed that either there's clearly been some sort of age-reducing skin lotion I haven't heard about yet or some people have been lying on their pictures and profiles...Some of them are clearly exaggerating and some are trying to hard such as posing in a bikini....some of them less...which made me want to throw up...and almost succeeded.

The website had a personality match finding service where it compares my personality to other people by a percentage and matches it by the highest number. So far my best match has not been higher than 65%. I can understand that trying trying to match a person who has nothing better to do than write blogs and try to make jokes about online dating websites can be difficult. But then I tried altering my personality details to make it look like I'm a racist who is on the sex offenders register and an anti-semite. Oddly enough, I started getting matches of over 70-80%!

I can't help thinking every profile I look at has a 'problem' with it. If you're on that website, there's gotta be something wrong with you. So I clicked on this profile but for the sake of this purpose, let's call her 'Hannah'. Now 'Hannah' has a fairly decent, self-taken pic of her face and she matches some of my personality. Her ideal man is a 6ft, tall, dark and handsome fellow who will whisk her off into the sunset. Okay, she doesn't like everything that I like, for example, she likes Sex and the City. I just like the first bit.

Looking through, all seems fine until I see her height. She's 5ft. Instantly clicked away. The thought of a person who is a whole, footlong, subway sandwich between me and her made me think that I could place 12 stacks of 1 inch thick books on her head and she still might not be as tall as me! But that wasn't the only problem. Her other photos showed her and her massive obsession with ponies...NEXT!

After a few days, I noticed my profile had been getting quite a few views and they were clearly interested in my personality ;). Some of them have even 'liked' my profile. Something I thought I'm grateful of and thought I'd return the favour. Unfortunately I cannot show you what I saw for privacy reasons and the best way to describe it is to write what I said in my head:

"OH MY GOD!!!!! She looks like she's been beaten with Adrian Chile's face and put her nose in a deep fat frier! She's got more wrinkles than my grandma! That e-mail said she was 22 but she looks closer to being a mummy! An actual Egyptian mummy! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Regrettably, I sent an e-mail back to her saying 'Sorry I've been taken' to put her down safely (the social equivalent of saying 'It's not you, it's me' in a break-up).

Okay, I'm being a little harsh on this. It's sort of understandable that if you can't find love out in the real word, you're sort of forced to look through other mediums and I get it. There probably is a match for everyone and he/she might be on that particular website. Ideally, not hiding their faces like I did.

A week later, I decided to close the account and never access it again. For the sake of not receiving any more dodgy messages and for the sake of my eyes to never see some of the awful things I've seen there again! (I was better off making my eyes watch 2 Girls 1 Cup again!)

Blog is complete and I will now try to scrub my eyes out!

First Blog of the Year!

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to 2011! This year is all about the ones and I'm hoping it'll be an absolute hoot!

Now that it's the New year, everyone's probably recovering from their hangovers and crazy nights during New Year's Eve. And while everyone (including me) is doing that, now is probably a better time than never to start writing some New Years resolutions!

I made a resolution years ago to stop making resolutions because I never kept them and broke them faster than a can of lager disappearing in an alcoholics anonymous meeting! Obviously, writing this blog means I have broken this resolution meaning my tradition of breaking resolutions will continue to happen.

So here is my list of resolutions that I will (try) to keep during 2011:

Go to the Gym more: - Actually, I think I do this every year and the only thing getting lighter is my wallet! (Please see one of my previous blogs about the gym). A better resolution would be to go to the gym at more convenient times as I have a tendancy to go workout when I have lectures on or when I'm meant to be somewhere...

Be Less of a Cunt - Sometimes I can be an arse and I've probably offended more people than Nick Griffin at times just from the accidental blurts of lunacy that comes out of my mouth. In 2010, I may have unintentionally offended women, the jewish, gingers, germans and all of the above. For 2011, I will try to either offend less people or diversify my offensiveness so at least I'm an arse to everyone rather than certain criterias...

Talk Less about Poker - I have a feeling people seem to be assuming that I'm a gambling addict with nothing else to talk about but gambling. I should point out to everyone that I do have a life and the fact that poker seems to be the most significant points that stand out in my facebook statuses (amongst my other rants on life, the universe and everything) means that I should write less or at least make them less interesting otherwise they wouldn't be making such a fuss...

Get a girlfriend - Actually, fuck that, too much hassle, I'll just find a prossie instead!*

Get a First in my Degree - Now this is a bit of a long shot but at least I have something to work towards I guess.

Enter a big poker tournament Through satelite only... and on that note:

Win a WSOP bracelet, PCA, GUKPT, EPT, or any poker tournament worth £500 or more... or basically:

Make a shit load of money - that seems to work then

And finally,

Drink More - Preferably water.


Right, that's the first blog of 2011 done. Happy new year and good luck on any of your resolutions!

*Please Note I am not interested in looking for a girlfriend at time of writing NOR am I looking for a prostitute....

How to be a Bad Guy

If you're gonna be a bad guy in a video game, a movie or in a TV show, You're expected to be defeated eventually by the protagonist. While that is expected, I question how terrible some bad guys are so bad at being antagonists.

Bowser is a clear example of a terrible antagonist. I don't mean that he doesn't make a good rival. I mean he has these ridiculous plans to capture Princess Peach so that she can make him some 'cake' (which I swear is a euphemism for something dirty...). The guy is like 20 times bigger than Mario and yet Mario can still swing his tail around and throw him into a bunch of bombs in the field. Also, if Goombas and Koopas die by someone jumping on their heads, get them all to wear helmets!

And while on that, if you're going to take on someone where you have a massive advantage, don't give him an opportunity to let him beat you! In other words, if you have a specific weak point, cover it up! What clearly springs to mind is Star Wars: A New Hope where the death star blows up after a single plane flies in and shoots a missile into a hole and the whole thing blows up.... if that was a building in real life, the architect would've been hung, drawn and quartered for such a stupid error. (or in this case, Darth Vader would've probably been sacked.... but that just wouldn't make sense and would make the other 2 films obsolete...)

There are so many problems with bad guys. Including why bad guys always hire so many terrible minions. If they all keep getting beaten up by 1 person... You know something is amiss there. In fact, I reckon you've been hiring them from the wrong jobcentre and would probably consider looking for a new recruitment agency!

Also, when you have a list of demands, please make some sense, I'm pretty sure I've seen this in a lot of action films where 'If you don't give me £100 Million within the next 2 hours, I will blow up the earth!'. Because I'm sure blowing the earth will make them change their minds...

Another example is Dr. Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't know where he got his doctorate from but if you can't build a machine that can catch 1 hedgehog, then I begin to question where he got his Doctorate from... (most likely from University of Teesside. OH SNAP!)

*only jk to any person studying a Teesside uni, I'm only teasing :P

Voldemort's plan was to kill Harry Potter. You have a massive army of death eaters, you can control almost any wizard in the world and you are the most deadly wizard known to man...yet you couldn't kill Harry Potter with any of your spells... below is a list of possible items and solution that could kill him if you can't kill him with a spell:

* A Gun
* A Knife
* A frozen ice pick
* Poison
* An inch of water
* A machine gun
* A sharp object that could pierce human skin
* A rottweiler
* A knife disguised as a dildo
* A gun shaped like a banana
* Acid
* Throwing him into a pool of piranhas
* Throwing him into a pit of lava
* Disguising yourself as Dumbledore and killing him in his sleep
* Disguising yourself as anyone but yourself and killing him in his sleep
* Have I mentioned guns and knives yet?

etc. etc. etc.

To conclude, bad guys really need to shape up if they actually want to succeed in taking over the world/becoming rich/killing his or her arch rival/become a megalomaniac. By all means become evil and all but seriously have some common sense and you may actually get somewhere one day....

Would you really wish for Xmas to be every day?

Wizzard once sang the song 'Oh I wish it could be Xmas Every Day'. It was released back in 1973. Clearly at the time, Wizzard did not consider the massive drawbacks. Much as everyone loves Christmas, the point of it is that it comes once a year. Here is the list of the flaws in the song.

Constant Snowing! - This week's weather has been 'chaotic, and a catastrophic nightmare' as the news have been claiming it as. I enjoy making snow angels, throwing snowballs at annoying kids and building snowmen and then holding a funeral for it once it has melted. I don't think I'd enjoy doing that 365 days a year... Plus snow begins to piss everyone off once you realise you can't get the car out a week after the snow's started.

Santa would be working his fat arse off! - By that I mean Santa would actually have to work everyday! And in fairness, the lazy bugger only works one day a year so making him work over 300 times wouldn't work for him. This would also mean he would use more elves, slave labour, outsourcing to India, basically making a business.

The whole world will be constantly drunk and fat! - Lots of food + Lots of wine = Lots of food and wine.

The X Factor would go out of business! by the 10th series, you know they'll just pick any randomer off the street and make them release a single :P... (Oh hang on, they've been doing that since the 1st series! OH SNAP!)

And finally, Brussel Sprouts will be the world's most popular vegetable! although I still don't get why everyone hates sprouts so much. They're like mini cabbages! Maybe people just don't know how to cook them right...


On this note, I was doing a little research on Christmas everyday. And I came across this man:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Park_(Mr._Christmas)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088872/Man-celebrates-Christmas-day-scaling-celebrations-credit-crunch.html

This man has celebrated Christmas everyday since 1994. Everyday he has eaten turkey dinners and watched the Queen's speech over and over again.

"People do think I'm crackers [well you got that bit right!], but I enjoy treating myself and I'm the only one in the world who does it [And there's a reason for that!]."

Just one question popped up when I read this. "When did she leave you?!"

This is (Probably) the best blog about slogans in the world!

This is (Probably) the best blog about slogans. In the world!

It's surprising how advertising affects the world and many of us don't realise. It's one of the fundamentals of marketing and advertising, get a slogan stuck in their heads so that you get their money (err... I'm not a marketing expert so don't question me on that)

But some slogans are too ridiculous when they are taken literally or from a different perspective. Here are a few of them and my thoughts on them.

Good things comes to those who wait - from the Guinness Adverts. Now I can be a patient man and as an example, if I am waiting for England to win the World Cup (and I'm probably going to be waiting a while), It won't be a good thing when they win the world cup. It'll be me shouting to them 'IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!'. Now that surely isn't a good thing.

Also, waiting for food at a restaurant that are running late is not a good thing. If I am waiting for a pizza at Pizza Hut and finding out that it took me an hour to get the food out, it's not necessarily a good thing and I can assume that it would've been better if it came early. Simple logic.

Fills you with Volcanicity - Volvic. Considering volcanos can be filled with lava that's over 1000 degrees, I don't think I want something that's gonna burn my insides :S

Have it Your Way . Burger King. I once asked a Burger King if I could have a Big Mac because I wanted it that way. Needless to say, I got kicked out.

Flash Kills 99.9% of Bacteria Surely they could've just rounded it up to 100 for advertising purposes.

'He who thinks Australian, Drinks Australian'. Fosters. The big irony here is that Fosters is brewed in the UK! Plus it's awful to drink.

'The longer you wait, the harder it gets' Tagline from the 40-Year Old Virgin. Sounds like a side effect of viagra. But apparantly, getting harder must be a 'good thing' since we've waited for so long. Although it is partially true for hardening cement, making ice, trying to down a irish car bomb (consisting of Guinness, whisky and Baileys) but that's another story)


Any other slogans that need to be criticised? Post them here :)