Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Apparantly, I am never happy, and just to prove I'm not always depressed about everything. Everything in this blog will all be about happy stuff.

...

Chelsea lost yesterday. :)

I paid ten quid to stare at hot women in the gym... is that wrong?

I've been going to the gym regularly since I graduated from uni since I have nothing better to do.

Ah Gyms, the greatest money making scheme since someone figured out you can make a fat person run if you hang a piece of cake in front of them! Unfortunately, this plan fails when the fat person manages to eat the cake, stops running, dies or has developed a skill to not run for the cake. This is where this concept evolved into the gym!

I've probably been going on and off the gym for nearly 7 years and the only thing getting lighter is my wallet! But not everyone is going to the gym to lose weight, perhaps not even to keep fit... perhaps it's so you can stay at the back and slowly stare at erm.... TVs.... and the other surroundings...

The weight equipment gym is the one lick of black paint. chains and straps away from becoming bondage equipment from the looks of things. putting hands and feet in wierd positions and everyone making grunting noises looking like they're about to drop a bombshell!

The big problem with going to gyms is the irony (and im not one to talk either) about going to gyms is getting there. if you drive there, you're classed as a lazy guy. Yet if you walk,nay, run to the gym, then youve defeated all the hard work you were going to use in the gym and you'd may as well go back!

And it's not like you're gonna cancel your membership or anything. for three reasons: 1) the hot men and women who work at the gym have a special sexy ability to stop you from quitting. and 2) there's that little niggling inside your head that says 'but what if you gain 2 stone and need to use it again?!' and finally 3) you have no excuse any more that claims you are not fat :P

plus the amount you work off cancels off what ur about to eat. a chicken mayo sandwich is about 300-400 calories, which is about an hour on the gym bike. a curry is about 800 to 1000 calories so burning that off requires nearly 45 minutes nonstop sprinting on the treadmill! it almost makes you wanna go 'fuck it! bring out the lyposuction machine and send me to the moon!'

right, that just said a lot of words...wow so...many...words....need to recover energy!

thats all for today. and dont forget, once you been to the gym, order your burger, fries, pizza and DIET COKE to wash it all down :D

The S Factor! (S stands for stale....) Part 1!

(And yes, the S stands for something else but I'll leave that to your imagination :) )

My most favourite show is back on(!)(sarcasm). More people who think they can sing try and prove that they can't sing and successfully doing so. I have probably hated this show since it started back in 2003, no wait, I did buy the G4 album... and Diana Vickers ain't too bad to look at.... but still hate it overall!

(I have now burnt that G4 album in a fire so no one ever realises that I have ever bought it...)

I hate this program so much that I decided to separate this blog into two parts! One for now and the other for when I decide that it's gone far enough!

There's a lot to say on why I don't watch it at all. I think every year I go on about how much I hate the show and everyone in them (okay, Cheryl Cole may be spared). If you're that good, do you really have to appear on it to prove that you are good? I mean yes some people are just shy at singing but appearing on TV in front of millions of people singing live isn't really going to cure it. Another thing I wonder is that are people actually serious in entering this or do they just want their 15 minutes of fame?

Since I don't want to sound like an absolute hypocrite/ranter/fool, I will force myself to watch some of the clips on Youtube and give a Simon Cowell-esque opinion on their talent. Time to put my trousers up, my hair slicked and my face all moodied up.

First up: Katie Waisal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H48OwnS_NHw&feature=channel

Quote that stands out: "I wanna be huge! Not small. Freddie Mercury wasn't small. He was an idol!". Queen took about 3 years to actually hit the big time and it was only till the 3rd album that they hit the mainstream. No one becomes an idol overnight.

Anyway, on to the music, you get a pie on your face for forgetting the lyrics of 'We are the champions'. Especially if Mercury is actually your idol!. It's sort of like saying you love steak despite the fact that you are a vegetarian! It sounded pretty bland and dull...

And then you move on to the song she was meant to sing in the first place. One word: Meh. She sounds alright but the fact that you screw up Queen and then do well on her other song may mean that she is probably a one triok pony? Had I had the care to watch the next episode, then I might be proven wrong here. NEXT!

Next on the list: G&S (which i'm assuming means Goofy and Stupid) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvSEpZEAqfY

Wth is with everyone murdering Don't Stop Believing lately?! Yes it's a classic and unless you're drunk, Steve Perry (or have at least the vocal talent of him) or asking for me to slap you silly, you do NOT sing this song!

I don't find these bad singers funny, I find them cringeworthy and embarrassing to watch. We have one guy who looks like he's intentionally trying to make himself like a fool by dancing like a fool, singing out of tune like a fool and singing out of timing like a fool! As well as that, we have one other lady standing still letting the auto tuner to all the work. I feel that this auto tuning business manipulates the actual talent of a singer. Auto tuning typically works when it's either subtle or if it's intentional. Unfortunately this was designed to be subtle but sounds clearly fake.

And they only auto-tune one side?! what? they thought the other guy had singing talent but the girl didn't? the guy was so far off key and timing that it was useless? or perhaps they wanted to enhance the fact that the guy sucked by putting a robotic clear voice behind him? Wrong, Wrong and wrong! This duo would even fail this song on 'Rock Band' on easy mode! Someone build me a trap door so they can both fall through it!

Next up: Gamu Nhengu http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRG7N_koxF0

Wow that is heavily auto tuned! I'm not sure how to give an opinion on that one. Shoot the singer for not singing well enough to be auto tuned or shoot the sound guy for such poor auto-tuning? Sounds okay I guess but that's only because auto-tuned made it in tune. I'm not sure what to judge here. Maybe this girl actually can sing but behind the auto-tuner makes it hard for me to pass judgement.

This is probably why the X factor changed the format so that they can incorporate this AT thing. It's a bummer really and hard to tell what I'm listening to. They would be better off putting the mics on mute and let them mime it (ala TOTP) and they might be deemed passable.

And Finally: Shirlena Johnson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ff7SkPF8IuQ&feature=channel

Comment says she was trained in opera singing. Then quote: "I've never done live, only karaoke singing". One of these facts seems VERY wrong and it's not the latter.

Again with the auto tuner! Can they use auto tuner to actually make someone sound crap for once?!

I get quite anal about people not singing the correct lyrics but this was closer to a remix than a rendition. Florence Welch singing 'You got the love' was a cover, Eminem rapping to 'Sing for the moment' was a rendition, Kurt Cobain's 'Man who sold the world' was a rendition, Muse's 'House of the rising sun' was a rendition...at a push. You get my point. This however was just a woman saying 'Thank You' in french over and over again. I hated the original and this version makes me want to hate it even more!

What is this? Improv? Lord have 'Mercy' on me and never let me hear this again!

Alright, I was a lil mean about this especially since she has a mental condition (so I've been told) but let her off easily! Don't encourage her by putting her through!


Right, I better take a breather and stop my endless ranting for the day. If you want me to criticise anyone else's singing, post a link and I will destroy it!


Ho is gonna go!

Monsters in the Movies!

So many movies out and so many to watch lately. The A-Team seems good, Toy Story 3 seems worth watching (even if I am 21 years old and the cinema would be full of kids), Karate Kid seems like it's pretty good as well. Even Knight and Day doesn't look so bad with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Of course all of these except the last one are sequels and remakes which does make me question about originality in films these days (and my unoriginal choices in films). So I'm off to see a film that's not based of anything written before.

A few weeks ago I went to see Inception and I could go on about how complicated it was at first and how some parts of it didn't make much sense, but I'm not. First because that was the least of my concerns and secondly because I'm still yet to break down the whole plot! Instead my anger goes towards the things I love and hate in the cinema. So here's a list of Dos and Don'ts when watching a film.

DON'T sit at the front row of a cinema. I don't even know why cinemas even allow seats to be that close. Necks start hurting and I don't like it when I realise when I'm this close to the screen that Tom Cruise is actually taller than me!

DO bring your own drinks in to the cinema. Either sneak in a bag, hide it in your pockets/pants/bras or even distract the ticket guy from seeing them. Not like you're gonna pay 3 quid for a bottle of water and bag of sweets when they sell it for a quid next door. This mainly applies for drinks. Food varies and depends what you get. And on that note...

DON'T bring garlic or smelly foods into the cinema. I remember sitting behind someone who sneaked in a kebab into the cinema with a strong smell of garlic sauce. It was probably bad enough to drive Edward Cullen out and move back to hogwarts! Anyone with a massich stink should be sprayed with the nearest fire extinguisher until they've been moved out 5 miles away from the cinema screen...

(on a side note, DON'T ever reference Twilight, ever. I don't feel I should be encouraging such a film that has as many lovers/haters as Justin Beiber. and on that note, DON'T ever mention Justin Beiber to me. Ever.)

DO give tissues to anyone who cries in the cinema. If someone dies in the film or if there is reason to cry. Unless they're crying inappropriately such as crying when the Terminator dies in Terminator 1 or if someone dies in a horror flick, in which case DO slap some sense into them.

DON'T talk about what's going to happen next in the film to the person next to you. Inception was ruined for me when someone told me the ending (I'm not gonna mention who... *ahem* you know who you are!). Especially those people that talk out loud. I mean seriously, of all the places you decide to talk is in a cinema...These people should be punished by gagging them with a sock (preferably their own smelly ones).

DO attempt to sneak sleeping pills into the cinema. Not for yourself but for anyone around that does not follow these rules and them slip it in their drinks. Oh wait... that might be illegal...

DON'T take a girl to the cinema on a first date. It seems like a rubbish kind of night to get to know someone by going into a cinema where no one is (meant to be) talking. Unless you somehow achieved some sort of telepathic communication with your first date, I wouldn't recommend it.

DO actually understand what the film is about before the film. If you weren't expecting the toys to move in Toy Story, you are in for a big suprise!

DON'T make noises with your food. Slurping, loud crunching, inapproprate burps/farts. I think these speak for themselves.

and finally...DON'T ever watch 'The Knowing' featuring Nicholas Cage. I am still currently looking for the director of that film so I can kick them in the nuts.

anyway theres a list of dos and donts in the cinema. please respect the person next to you
and please...dont be a twat :)
and finally DO actually enjoy the movie.

Look at me! I'm on TV!

I could probably make TV blogs a weekly segment on its own given how much I watch, complain about and how bad they are (or occasionally good) so I'm gonna go over the past week or so's events.

I came across a new quiz show on the BBC. 101 ways to leave a gameshow. Quite simply, you get a question with 9 answers, 9 people choose one of them and one of them is wrong. The loser leaves the gameshow in a stupidly outrageous fashion including falling off a trolley, getting taped onto a board and slowly tipping down and being hit my a gigantic hammer (none of them were made up!). The is a measly 10 grand which in fairness wouldn't be enough for me given the disappointment you get in the end for not leaving the gameshow. Personally, I'd enjoy some of the ways to exit that I'd probably purposely choose the wrong answer so I'd bungee off down into a massive swimming pool.

Next up is Come Dine With Me, a cooking show I would probably never watch if the voice over guy wasn't there. The normal shows have some interesting people as well as annoying people for that matter. The celebrity version however annoyed me so much since it was full of absolute nobodys that had nowt better to do than to get on TV. Pretty much everyone is hatable in the show including Janice Dickinson (no idea who she was, had to wiki and apparently she's now a reality tv whore, which would explain why she's on here) that had no reason to be there except to make [bad] tv by annoying everyone in there as well as me. Turned straight off.

Other things to hate is Channel 4 and E4 because it's full of big brother, They had to replace decent TV such as Scrubs for 'live' coverage?! Yuck.

More TV Music Talent contest were out in the form of 'Don't Stop Believing'. A 'Glee' Show finding the best show choir. I've watched 2 episodes of Glee. It was approachable at best but nothing to actually keep me fully interested. Sort of like High School Musical without the Disney. But this show however, is a competition between real show choirs and making covers of a song. Actually, it's not a cover, some of them are 'Mash Ups', a portmenteau of Mash Potato and Fucked Up!.

Occasionally I can be a massive critic on music and this is no exception. Would people PLEASE stop mashing two songs together please?! The only advantage you get from this is that you murder two songs at once instead of one! Mash ups (like mash potato) need to be mixed with something good such as bangers and gravy but mixing mash with mash is rubbish. Essentially, it's adding extra lyrics into the original song and the lyrics aren't original and stolen from another song.

All the songs the choirs did sound like they came from bad musicals. A particular one I remembered watching was a male choir of about 30 people singing 'Sex on Fire' by the Kings of Leon to this 1 girl on stage. Before I mention how awful the music was, the dancing bit was just awkward and seemed like some massive gang bang is about to happen. But anyway, the music was the equivalent of a crowd singing Sex on Fire on stage, which is not always a good thing. No harmonies, and some very annoying choir versions of the guitar bit. Almost made me want to throw up because of how bad it was.

But as well as bad shows, I still have to mention there's been some decent TV on lately such as Mongrels, a late night puppet show which was actually not too bad, Top Gear which is always enjoyable to watch. And Celebrity Masterchef, another show I enjoy watching :)

TV's done for the week and I need to get out of the house so toodles!

...

(wtf is toodles and who the hell says it to say goodbye anymore?)

When I'm Sixty Four (and when I pick up my OAP Bus Pass)

Old people have begun to annoy me. This may also be directly linked to that my gran has come to visit me for 3 months (3 months?! staying for 3 months is not 'visiting' it's more closer to 'free loading!' :P) and my gran can be a handful.

I'll avoid aiming this blog directly at my grandma cos it seems unfair that I criticise her when she can't understand english and is as quick to understand things as the police are trying to capture a fujitive. (yes people, I have just made a Raoul Moat reference. It feels wrong...) so let's talk about old people.

At the moment, I am currently suffering from a sore throat. It may be because I have a cold coming along but I've been trying to have conversations with my gran lately and she's deaf and the only way to speak to her is with a megaphone, (which I don't carry along with me all the time because it's impractical and bit heavy to carry all the time) so I simply have to speak louder. So this makes me lose my voice...

Being deaf means you should be wearing hearing aids to help hear stuff. But instead, you have people who are stubborn to use them and thinks that their hearing can be healed if they do nothing and everyone else shouts a little louder. I think talking to a brick wall gives a better response at times.

Almost every old person I've met have a lot to say about me. And not in a good way. There's always something wrong and something to complain and rant about. (Oh hey! maybe that's where I got my ranting from!). Yes no one's perfect but there's no need to ruin everyone's self confidence (or what's left of it) by reiterating what you've already said. It's like beating a dead horse after complaining about it a few minutes ago that it doesn't move and began starting to stink of rotten flesh...

You gotta wonder what it feels like to be old though. Retired, money coming into your account and nothing better to do than to lounge about the house and complain about stuff you don't like. (Actually, typing this now makes me think that doesn't sound like too bad of an idea :P, My OAP pass can't come any sooner! :D)

Right that's enough of my blog for today. I had a longer one planned on old people but it turns out my internet thought I was being offensive to old people and didn't publish the whole thing and forgot to save what I wrote. FML

So I'm off to pick my supplies of OAPs (that stands for OAP Assistance Precautions) that includes my ear plugs, Noise cancelling headphones, blindfold and sleeping pills... Ta Ta!

Get Rich Quick Money Making Schemes

I think the ideal goal to make money is to make a lot of it in as little as possible. Being an overnight millionaire would be the ideal money making scheme. Of course no one makes that kind of money in a day unless you're Steve Jobs, winning the lottery or if you're a robber and managed to mug Steve Jobs in the streets (in which case, well done).

Although they won't make you a millionaire overnight, he's some quick ways to make some money. I cannot say that I have done all of these but I can imagine some are entirely possible to make a living out of.

Sperm Donors - Does what it says on the tin. Spunk your way to make some cash. I believe you get about 30 quid per cup. Doesn't sound bad for 10 minute's work. Although making a living out of this means that you will have one arm abnormally more muscly than the other for a long while. The other downside is that the kid that comes out of your tadpoles can eventually find you and I think you'll have a pretty hard time trying to explain that you gave someone your sperm so that you can afford that new PS3 daddy wanted back in the day.

Professional Gambler/Poker Player - It's simple. Bet half a million on red and you'll double it do a million just less than half the time :). Time taken: about 30 seconds, time to recieve: about 10 seconds. Time to realise you spewed off half a million quid in 30 seconds: half a second. Or start with a $100 and work your way up and see how far you can run like God and then trip up like a dog.

Becoming a professional poker is another risky one. Simply play for half a million against Tom Dwan (those of you who don't know, Tom Dwan is one of the biggest cash game players in the world) and then just go all in every hand and hope the cards go your way :P

Get Spam for Free iPods! - Would you like a free iPod? Alright, you can get one by giving me your house address, your privacy and personal details along with 20 other people's personal details so we can spam you with junk mail for the next 2-200 years and you can (possibly) get it for free! These pyramid schemes are massive and the effort you need to get these things aren't worth the effort. To make it, you first of all sacrifice your email details, personal details, house calls as well as 5 other friends (or any other people) to do the same thing (meaning you need about 25 people altogether) and then they'll send you your iPod. This process will probably take a good few months not only to find the people but also for the company to cough it up. I wouldn't be suprised if it never comes out. You can probably get your iPod for free in less time by working for a few weeks in a shop of somesort (also known as A JOB!).

Here's an obvious one that many people won't always realise...

Hobo/Bum/Beggars - With enough work (or begging), you can dress up as a bum and beg for cash. Work well enough and I'm pretty sure you can make minimum wage in a day. Dress is pretty cheap. No need to pay for showers, uniforms or legs. It's always worth a punt. Of course you're always against competition with the real hobos so you're gonna have to get an edge somehow. Steal their bag of 'Big Issues' and start selling them and keeping all the sales perhaps.

Patent the Wheel - You'd make zillions off of that. But I think that's taken so....

Selling a kidney - Since people can actually survive with 1 kidney, you could sell your other one for a decent price. Just make sure that you have 1 spare and that you're happy to go under the knife. I'm not sure about the price but I've heard there's a wide range of prices but I can imagine you can buy a small boat with it (or maybe a raft perhaps)

I also have one more get rich quick money making scheme to give out but if you really wanna know, please pay £100 into my account and I will tell you :P

(Let's see how much I can make off that last idea :P)